To do or to be, who Am I?

I look at these two people in my life and wonder, how could I decide to leave their faces and disappear from their lives? Sure my pain wants me to leave and I fight every day not to let it take over me. I just keep thinking, leave a special note to each one of them, let them know there was nothing they could ever do- do to save me. I am unable to save myself. My life consists of FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT these thoughts that enter my head. They come on spontaneously and I react impulsively.

I would take that step, into the forest to never walk back out. I would take that step off the bridge, oh so many to choose from here. I don’t even have tears left in my body as I am beyond those. A solid stillness encompasses me, a quiet refrain I hear and there is nothingness. Silence and waking in Heaven. Sure it sounds bad but it couldn’t be could it? The restless heart in me fights and says don’t give up, don’t give in that it will all pass in a moments time. The pain in me says it’s too much and I won’t survive it. I feel solemn and at peace with those decisions to end my life but my brain says no no you have a young woman watching you and everything you do. She wants you to live to old age and a husband that wants me to old age. Neither will I share this with them.

I want to quiet the beast in me, the pain in me but life is making it impossible. I speak to God and say many prayers to survive because at this moment He is all the help I can muster without destruction of lives. I seek Him and what He will do for me. Life is done in an instant, it feels not this way when you are alive but know someone dead and it becomes truth. We are all on a one way road to death, some of us sooner then others and I am looking, searching for my time.

Do I want to die? I don’t think so but my heart tells me it’s my escape from myself. Pain does not elude me at any moment of the day. It’s like a vampire sucking the life out of me, and the wolf is just watching, waiting his turn to tear his teeth into me so that I can die. The clock just ticks and ticks as I bide my time, hide my thoughts and move on. The screaming never ceases in my conscience, I don’t think it ever will. I want to open my mouth and let it out but I am silent. It swallows the sound coming from my voice.
©KAB 2014


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