I’ve found you can be going along in the day to day monotony and one thing happens, it’s the spark that creates the fire inside of you. You can either burn in it or take refuge. Some don’t have the control needed to take refuge so they burn. Life begins to spiral downward so fast that the engulfing is impossible to escape. They scream but no one hears their voice, because they’ve heard it so much it means nothing. Assumptions have been made. The lost in flames will either decide to burn to death or they may use other methods to just let go. Let go of the pain and torture in their head. It becomes impossible to find hope. Forgetting what hope is, just the heaviness in the chest and stomach. Then forgetting how drastic actions would affect others. At this point nothing but stopping the screams inside is the only way to peace. Praying every moment for release, for the brain to stop it’s recycling of thoughts.
Heaven seems to be an obsession because there is no sadness, grieving, or pain. A life we can’t comprehend even remotely. Yet we sometimes spend 100 years in this life, and for what? It’s not something I’d want to have any part of. The direction I’m heading might be the devil’s den but I’d like to think God understands my illness and has been helping me through this all these years. I’ve been so lost since I was a child. I feel like I know myself at this point but I’m so lost with my identity some days.
I can’t describe the agony of how I feel everyday. There just are no words to accurately explain. I need hope.
I need some hope.