Days have not been so great and neither have the nights. I’m holding out for better ones. That is a good sign for me I think. I usually get so low it’s impossible for me to feel like I’ll crawl out of it. I miss my husband a lot and hoping we are together again soon. He is so good to me and understanding. I love him very much. He is my rock. He also reminded me how important I am to God, and my faith has really grown. Without having faith in something, I would feel empty.
I will say, music helps me get through everything but it can also cause me to crash. Not much gets me through physical pain and I’m starting physical therapy soon. I have been falling a lot. My last fall was outside my apartment on the concrete. I was getting out of my truck. I was highly embarrassed even though I think only my daughter saw. I do think I scared her. I played it off to not let her panic or worry. I just got up, said ugh again, and laughed. I’ve gotten good at hiding pain, mental and physical, however at times I slip up with my pretending.
So the good news I want to share. I gained a lot of weight in the span of a year or so. Well, I’ve lost approximately 62 lb. It took a lot of work but has been worth it. I still have a goal I haven’t yet reached but I do think I’ll get close to it eventually. It took me a year to lose the 62 lb. It has helped a lot with my physical pain but has also made me feel a bit of hope again and something to be proud of.
My daughter will be 18 this year and I just can’t fathom how I’ve made it this far. You know, as a teen I never thought I’d make it to 30. Now I can’t believe I’ve been here for my daughter’s childhood to adult. I made so many mistakes and told her how I regret a lot and wanted to apologize. She’s had a rough life and I hope she has a wonderful time as an adult. As a parent don’t we all wish the best for our children? She has seen and been through my hospitalizations over the years. She’s seen me struggle with life and give up so many times. She has such a strong heart. I do wish I’d shown her more physical love such as hugs often, but I still have time. That’s the beauty of living, you can change and remedy torn threads. Even though I sometimes want to give up, if I died I wouldn’t have love and forgiveness in my life. This may be obvious to everyone but we all need someone to slap us into reality instead of trying to think it over ourselves. What that is, someone you extremely love unconditionally whose been there through it all, tells you how devastated they would be if you completed suicide. Then they remind you of the spiraling effect it would have on others, even friends. Your suicide doesn’t end just yours, in a way it ends others too.
Suicide is not spoken about near enough. I think if it was more people would live. The statistics in my country are sad. People want bigger, better than everyone else and they lose sight of what life is truly about. Some of those people get those things but end up feeling a void they don’t know how to fill. Money is not everything but everyone has lost sight of that. Everyone is in constant competition. Families separate only to abandon the ones they love. Social Media has ruined a lot of lives and caused us to disconnect from life. People think using social media brings them friendship but does it? People can be whoever they want to be online. There are a lot of people that bully others and say things they’d never utter in real life, because they are in their homes safe behind a screen. No repercussions for what they say, even if someone ends their life from it. I had a woman say very mean things to me once on social media. She ended up saying, “kill yourself” in the end of it. For someone like me who has mental illness, that is a crushing blow. Suicidal ideation is something, I’ll admit, that I think about almost everyday. I think about cutting up my arms and legs to be free from all pain even for a few minutes which sounds ironic to most people. I think we all don’t want pain of any kind. Having mental and physical illness like I do, you want them to end, no more pain. You pray everyday, you cry often, and feel no one understands. In my life, between both kinds of pain, I would choose to lose the mental anguish I suffer. My mind can get so confusing and tell me indirectly suicide is the way out. Cutting is the way out. Pushing people out of my life so I have no one to hurt me nor care about me because I would not have at that point a reason to live. It’s a way out. Now that I’m 36 years old I realize I was strong enough to get this far, however, will I continue to have strength to make it further? Most days I just go through the motions, not expecting anything, smiling at strangers and honestly wanting to know how they are when I ask. “How are you? ” has become just a statement of greeting and I learned many years ago that no one really wants to know. This world is heading into such a bad place. Most people alive right now are narcissistic, caring only about themselves and helping charities to look better to others and not to truly care.
But in all that negativity, if you’re lucky, you’ll find happiness and true love. Me personally? I’m working hard on being happy, sure we all have bad days, but I want normal bad days. What is normal you say? It’s different for everyone. Everyone has a place they want to get to in their head. No one is happy 100% of the time, however some of us have too many bad days and could do with some release. There are people who think suicide is their release, but it’s not. I admit I do forget that. Those of us suffering with physical agony want a release, I don’t have any answers to releasing either pain. I think that some of us were given these to show true strength for those that don’t think they can make it. It takes a lot of courage to live and I think that for anyone. We all are susceptible to tragedy. There are no guarantees in life. We just have strength and hope. Faith that when we leave this world we go where we want to go and believe in something, anything. My choice is God.
We can do more than just exist. It takes so much internally for some of us and we have to ride the waves. There’s a quote I want to share and I hope it helps you as it helps me.
Understand the darkness, but live in the light.