ankylosing spondylitis · arthritis · bipolar · Borderline · Depression · God · Jesus · Other · Other Blogs · Suicide

The Lost one

My heart beats for everyone else but myself.
Is that self centered to want to live for yourself?
I ask this question in prayer, and ask that He lead me to my purpose, and to make me a better Christian/person. I am a lost person just wandering, hoping everyone I come in contact with is happy. Even at the expense of myself. Crying alone does nothing, so I no longer cry. I no longer cry to anyone. Pain, physical and emotional is my life. Sometimes I do pray for death, other times I am afraid of it and of life. It’s like being stuck in two different planes of existence. Your body stretching in two.

My recent kidney diagnosis and other diagnoses have me reevaluating everything I’ve ever thought. Everything I’ve ever experienced. I wonder if all the bad is my own doing.
Is it self sabotage? Is life as precious as they say? What’s wrong with me, I wonder constantly. I’m always alone, no matter who I’m with, even Jesus. Very sad state of being. Why would one feel so alone? Why would one feel that no one understood, that even He wouldn’t?  An individual lost between space and time with no understanding. That’s who.

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