I’ve been sleeping too much and I’ve been quite depressed. Suicidal thoughts like to eat at my brain like some parasite. It’s incurable and the louder my insides hurt and scream, the less I share with others about my insides rotting. Others don’t want to hear the truth. People want to hear what makes them happy. They probably suffer in their own silence. I’ve decided to join them. Maybe it creates a denial to peace.
I can’t silence the criticism that repeats in my brain. I can’t stop the voice of my own torturing me day and night. The only way to silence myself is to literally silence myself. My brain on repeat, same torture unless I can sleep. At least it’s dreams then but some I’d never choose to wake from. When I wake I realize these were nonexistent. Dreams of blood running out of my body. Before sleep begging the Lord to help me, saying only those words, help me, help me, and then I finally say, I can’t do this. Not alone. Not anymore.
My brain on fast forward from the time I open my eyes. Questions running through my parasitic brain. Realizing this life can’t be true. I’m in some parallel universe, spinning and nothing ever changing. My voices of myself not stopping. My own voices begin to convince me that life is a pointless, no, that my life is a waste.
The road has been so hard, and I’ve tried everything to do everything right, and make my child feel loved these last 18 years. Often, I know I’ve failed at motherhood but I’m not the worst. I’ve always provided and protected her. I feel inside and the parasite feeds off this. I have my opinion of lobotomy but agree with euthanasia.
I know I say it all of the time, but this parasite will be blown out of my brain in some manner.
Today is what I call, a “possible” day, nothing is ever guaranteed in this life.