ankylosing spondylitis · arthritis · bipolar · Borderline · Depression · God · Jesus · Other · Other Blogs · Suicide

Life can throw A blow

I thought I was done with getting everything I could, in sickness and pain. I’ve not lived the best and healthy. The multiple overdosing, the last being lithium and that was a disaster in itself. I can only say positive words that I’ve lost a lot of weight.

I’ve learned just how important the little things you do in life which are big to others, end up possibly killing you in the end. You say to yourself, all those times did i really want to die? Some of those times I can honestly say yes, without a doubt. But now, now, do I really want that? I want to die yet I don’t.  The pain that racks throughout my body screams, die. I’m tired of pain. My past, present and all the hurt. Why I can’t forgive I’ll never know but it’s forgetting that will never happen. Too much hurt and anguish, too much pain all over my body. I can deal with my body pain so much better than my thoughts. They are torture and I want to silence them.

All to say, a new incurable beast has come over my body. Is it my fault? I’ll never know the answer, but I’ll live with it, my brain knows how to end it very quickly now but my heart looks to God. Only He can get me through this. My prayers will double and I need not only my family, but my God, who never fails to lead me.

I have ckd, chronic kidney disease stage 3b.

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