bipolar · Borderline · Chronic Kidney Disease · Depression · God · Jesus · Other · Other Blogs · Suicide

Cold Toast

I couldn’t sleep last night. Every time I would drift off I would then wake up. The night air was so cool and comfortable. I had my windows open and the side I lie on I get a full view of many things. Unfortunately a lot of sounds I don’t find comfort in. Like the trains blaring their horns at 3am on schedule across the small highway. Fortunately they don’t come through on the weekend, giving me a reprieve. (I’ve very bad anxiety esp sensitive to loud noises and yelling, yet I love loud music. Music has always been my life)

My first thought was about the happiness I felt that day. I don’t have many days like that, in fact it’s very rare. Days like yesterday I find humor, rest, and love. It turned out to be one of the best Sabbath days I’ve had in a long while.

This even with everything I’m dealing with health wise and our family currently separated by thousands of miles.  My husband and I connect with one another everyday, one of the few good things about the internet. I do have some bitterness and negativity though towards it. I honestly think social media is good, but my opinion is it’s more bad than good for many reasons.

My point is, on days like yesterday my eyes and mind are clearer to recognizing my blessings, and forgetting for a few moments or hours the thoughts that plague me. Everyone has their trials in life, and no matter what they are for each person, a trial is a trial. None are trivial and we’ve no right to judge or say they are/aren’t.

I have dreams, hopes, aspirations and future goals. My family reuniting and living happily. I’m faced with a 50/50 chance of dying in approximately 15 years or so, maybe sooner as we never know but I’m one of those people that has to accept my mortality as being young. I’m currently 36 years old and I try to live a good Christian life with no expectations. It’s not an easy thing to do each day, especially having mental illness. I could die at any moment, like my little sister did in an instant when she was 23. There are no guarantees when or even when the generation we’re in will be over only to eventually have this beautiful world we will one day be given anew.

So, on this typical morning I’m distracted, scatterbrained and now eating my cold toast. I’m thinking about the bay and lake across the mini highway. It’s not a direct beautiful view but I love seeing the large ships come in and dock. It would be very easy to walk to the lake, it’s the great lake of Superior and very beautiful. The sun makes the water look like diamonds on lovely days. When it freezes over it’s blinding but just as glamorous.

Many times I’ve thought of walking to the bridge merely blocks away and joining the others who’ve leapt to their death; wanting peace and silence in their minds and from the ever over stimulating society we live in.

With mental illness, pain and trauma we forget there’s refuge in worship. That if anyone is there for us we can always depend on it being God. I’ve been bringing my faith to a new and better level.  Not one time I’ve prayed to Jesus and not received an answer. Sometimes it requires patience because He knows when it’s best and what’s right.

I was looking out my open window in the early morning hours, trying to decide if the millions of different city lights across the long high bridge, were beautiful or a hindrance to the magnificent world God’s given us. His children. We are so tiny, so miniscule, but loved so tremendously. It’s something that won’t be fully understood until the end. That’s where a lot of faith and gratitude come in. There are probably more lights in that city out of my window than the amount of stars in just our galaxy. In a way the thought that’d be minutely true is sad.

What have we done? Where are we headed? I want the promises, the hope and if it means being convicted for believing, then convict me.

Do what you want with or to me because Jesus will be with me and carry me through to the end.

©KAB 2016♥


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