I have probably approached this before as it’s a very difficult thing to do in some circumstances. Forgiving is easy some of the time and I feel I usually have done so.
The problem is when I’m reminded. My brain just doesn’t erase the memories. When it jumps into my head later on down the road I know that often I realize I haven’t forgiven the person who hurt me. So why do I convince myself for awhile that I have? Why do I fool myself into thinking that I have forgiven? It’s only hurting me after all. I don’t consider myself evil however; I am like all humans and the best way I feel I can describe it is the word “complicated”.
It’s even difficult for me to forgive myself. I always have a gnawing sense of guilt. Some things have taken a little over two decades but I will never forget. I’m not even sure that I have forgiven. Maybe I’ve just managed to deal with it and move on. Sort of a more type of grief to get through and I’ve reached acceptance. Death is not the only thing to cause grief in life and everyone has their own order of processing their grief.
I was very, well, distraught and envious yesterday. I realized for one thing that mine and my daughter’s existence to someone was gone. It was as if that person didn’t spend around a decade in our lives. As if those years never happened. A lot of the memories are not the greatest, but I don’t deny that time in my life. It’s as if the person was forgiven by all they wronged and are living a blessed life. I suppose if that’s the case then maybe they have turned their life to God and deserve to be blessed. I just will never understand why that didn’t happen for us.
The fact is, I’m working at building a better life but I’m getting older and each year that passes without that step forward in progress feels like a step backward. We are so tired, my little family, and just seek a peaceful further existence. Distance is very difficult but it allows you to understand and really realize that you do in fact love the other person. You feel better knowing that they understand you and you them. If you couldn’t get through the disagreements, praying together and for one another, and having hope and confidence in God’s willingness to bless you, then something needs to be corrected in my opinion.
Distance requires a lot of love and trust to last. It also requires a yoked relationship. (Which I’d never had.) I realize now that I have been blessed in a different way and through my faith will continue to receive His blessings. There’s no reason to be envious because even with what I’m going through, God is showing me that I’m making the right decisions and I’m following that narrow path.
It also helps tremendously to be with someone that no matter how much you try to push them away, they never give up on you, even when you’re at your darkest. It would be so easy to just say okay you want me gone, I love you but you don’t want me in your life. Those of us with borderline personality are great with the all or nothing, black and white process. We can’t see the shades of life between. A lot of people can’t deal with the love/hate in our minds. It takes a loving, tolerant, accepting and patient person to really love you.
I found one out of everyone on this planet! A very rare gem and there comes the realization; I AM blessed! There are a lot of things I’m blessed with but this is the beginning of the last stretch. This is what I’ve waited 36 years for. Just as I was blessed 18 years ago by giving birth.
Life is far from perfect and being a family requires work, but if you are yoked with God, everything starts to fall into place and forgetting the past is a little easier with every passing year. I have total faith that God is helping me in this reborn life. My past is just that, my past. I will eventually complete my grieving over a lot, and learn that to be loved is normal. I am worthy. I deserve this life and all love.
When the fog lifts, I can see your eyes, touch your face and embrace you. Then and only then will things continue in love until well after death.