bipolar · Borderline · Depression · God · hope · Jesus · living · Other · Suicide

I’m not done here yet

​So apparently I was attempting to post a status when I was asleep. I woke with letters on Facebook (I used to do this and randomly would text friends while asleep. I used to sleep walk and sleep eat as well.) I also woke from a wicked nightmare with my warmer zip up jumper on and a sweaty neck. When during your nightmare you are dying, losing your energy and consciousness, where it’s so intense no matter how much you try to force your will to be at least alive but it’s just not working and you’re bleeding out is a sign to me of pure exhaustion in waking life. Then just waking in a feverish delirium not knowing what’s going on, things slowly, very slowly, start to clear up. Waking to awful heartburn which hasn’t happened in a ton of years.

In about 72 hours now I’ve slept an accumulative 6 hours total. I’m exhausted and now it’s even producing side effects during my sleep. I want out of this. Funny thing is I can’t even describe any emotion or mood I’m feeling lately. Just intense illness. I’m almost positive it’s beginning to show outwardly to others, the lack of sleep and feelings of illness. I’ve been having migraine after migraine and with my treatments this should not be happening. I’ve no clue what my brain is attempting to achieve. I am under a lot of stress however. For months I’ve been keeping intensely detailed records from weight to diet to mood to medications and activity. All this done in a spiral notebook. Not only do I do that and blog but I also write 3 to 4 pages each time I’m in need into a journal, a handwritten book of intimate thoughts. I’ve many journals collected from over the years. All this in a collaboration would say a lot about the inner me. I need more sleep these days because my mind and body are deteriorating. My health is going into jeopardy.

Here it is 5:30a.m. and I’ve been awake already for well over an hour after going to sleep a bit after 2a.m. A daily nuisance. God help me because it’s beginning to feel like torture. Forgetting current issues in my life and feeling carefree if for only 24 hours would truly be a gift. I know God knows my stress, pain and exhaustion. It’s up to me, to ask Him for the help and to try my best. That’s all I can do- put my faith in God and let go because God sees everything within me. He knows my strength and courage levels; He’ll get me there. All I need to do is ask and I’ll take this at the pace I need. I actually surprisingly do not give up easily even when I believe or say I have. Even when I’ve given up, tried to take my life so many times, I’ve survived. There’s still too much to be finished. I’ve a lot to learn and some things yet to teach. I’m not done here yet. Are you?



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