bipolar · Borderline · Depression · God · Jesus · Other · Other Blogs · Suicide

Atypical

Am I using that properly? I mean to say, I’m not typical in any way and I always take everyone off guard. It’s uncomfortable for me but them too I’m sure. I just can’t be typical. I fight guilt everyday in every way inside my head when anything is said to me or my behavior is questioned. Every thought I have no matter what it relates to, I scrutinize in vivid detail. 

I watch others, overhear  conversations and wonder why I can’t exist in those ways. I wonder if they’re faking it to make it too. If at home they too fall apart or even the moment they get into their vehicles. 

What place do us types have because I’m one of the lost whose lived way too much, more than possible? Will we ever find a place of peace in our minds? Will I always feel like a victim instead of a survivor? I’ve fought and fought through my life; mostly I’ve fought myself to keep alive from my thoughts with almost dying the last time. Other times I’ve fought people and have lost those battles creating my victim status. Sexual assault, rape and physical abuse are terrifying to experience and will ruin your trust in the human race. It takes many years to rebuild that feeling of trust but it takes only one moment, one mistake to happen, and you’re back to never forgetting how important trust is to you. Everything is questioned in your mind and you are back to the beginning. Relearning. 

I have very few pleasant memories of my life as far back to the age I can remember. I’m not sure that wouldn’t even have made much of a difference. My brain chemistry plays a much larger part than my environment. 

I mean how do I explain that I feel like I’m dying? It’s a real feeling I can’t escape anymore but it’s seen as overreacting. How do I get others to leave me alone when I want to die? Why is it considered a crime to kill myself? Where is my place in this world?  I’m a tiny ant amongst giants. Only God hears me, knows my seriousness, my pain and believes my thoughts, actions, and words. 

So maybe, just maybe my place is not in this world; maybe my place lies in what’s after death. I don’t fit into this place. No one knows the real me, I’m still discovering that myself really but if you put a color to me it would be black. I’m a void to everyone, to myself even and add blue for the tears. 

Did I ever tell you how much I love the rain? 

I feel like what the rain feels. However I’m a blank canvas for everyone to paint all over with what they want. And I let it happen. 

KAB2016©

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3 thoughts on “Atypical

  1. I’m so sorry to read this… You are/were obviously in a dark place. I do trust you are getting medical help etc. Letting go of the past can be very difficult, but nothing is impossible with God. I don’t know if you can do this, but I want to say: Go chase Jesus and find your identity in Him. Ask Him why you are in this world and what He wants to do through you… and wait for His answer. I’m not great at giving advice, but I think you could look to Him for the answers you need. Perhaps begin with a good devotional book like Jesus Calling? Just a suggestion. Praying for you, because that is essentially all I can do.

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    1. I can’t tell you how much that suggestion meant. It seems so obvious to ask Him but I’ve mostly prayed for others and asking little. I can’t thank you enough for this wonderful advice. I just couldn’t see doing this; I was completely clouded. The best email in my box was reading your comment. I think the Lord wanted me to get some clarity through you since I just felt lost. I’m at a loss for the right words! Just, thank you for this clarity, this suggestion. You are a wonderful person. Thank you.
      Katie (komodolover)

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      1. I’m so Blessed that I was of help to you! Always remember that you must love yourself as much as you must love others. We often forget that in the church I think. I do pray that Jesus will speak clearly to you to give you peace and strength. Looking forward to reading about it too. Amen.

        Liked by 1 person

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