I’m going to miss the evergreen trees and the cuddling weather; heavy sweaters, hoodies, thick soft blankets and cool breezy days. I don’t like heat from the sun and it’s a rare day when I walk outside to drive somewhere; the sky is bright with a perfect breeze and cool temperature. When I can open my sunroof and listen to my favorite music loudly- that’s a perfect day. Sunglasses on and my hair blowing from the open windows while I sing. Those days are perfection and so rare; I thank God for those days. It makes me feel truly alive and happy.
Happy? Most everyday of my life I had never really known that emotion. I thought I knew it, but days I thought I felt it, the emotion didn’t make me feel FREE! It’s such a blessing for me because I can truly live with myself inside my mind. I don’t think I realized what it meant to be truly happy. You think you are at times but the contentment and peace aren’t there; something still lingers. I have the insight to know when my wires are tangled in my mind. I have the insight knowing the drop; the deep pain you can almost feel as if a heaviness has come over you and a physical feeling as if you’ve swallowed a lead ball. The tears are in the past at that point. You’re ready to no longer move any part of your body including speaking. Every positive emotion has been stripped; someone or something has taken that hope from you. It becomes impossible to picture those beautiful memories that once were there. Those feelings, are harder on me than any pain I’ve ever experienced; including physical pain and I’ve had some major physical pain in my life. When you believe in God and that love from inside you disappears, it’s horrible because you’re so lost and hopeless. Then death infiltrates every thought making you believe that it’s the only way to peace. From yourself and the negative world.
I’ve lived with these feelings since I was a young child. I don’t remember much from those early years. These feelings will come back at times for however long my life will be. Thanks to ECT treatments a lot is gone and that is a blessing at times. Memories loved ones talk of and pictures are all foreign; like it was your body but you’ve no memory of any of it. Then there are good and bad memories which remain. The lost memories you may never recall but I know my behavior as an adult has been effected. Feelings and worries of abandonment, despair and not loving any part of myself hit me like an out of control vehicle on an icy road. It’s like black ice; it’s there but you never see it coming. I react emotionally to things in my life not understanding why. I attempt control over my life, I demand it from myself; but it’s not mine to control, it’s letting go and asking Jesus to take over. The catch- you must let go and trust. Trust is hard for me but I know all the reasons for that. This is why I try to control everything and need consistency in my life. The odd thing about me is I’m impulsive yet need the consistency.
I’m leaving a life where I finally found who I am, at almost 37, to go into a situation of fear, my distrust, and anxiety, yet there is love included. It’s the path that sometimes I can’t figure out whether I led myself into or allowed God to show me. Am I kicking and screaming to knock down doors to what I want? Or am I simply afraid of walking through an open door God has provided? I just pray and ask Jesus to help reassure me; which he does most everyday and days I don’t feel His reassurance I believe is to help me relearn trust. There is God everywhere and in everything.
We just have to open our eyes.
I will never be perfect and I’ll always need help for the tangled wires in my brain. I’ll always be ill, but now for at least these moments, I remember those beautiful days. At least I have that. My world always changes; like everyone else.
I just admire the evergreen which never changes. It’s always green and alive. I see them everyday. I love trees because they just keep going bursting with life, if they die, they live on by creating a new one. This is a bit like human life but innocence is always visible. Innocence is in many things and people. If you really have ever seen innocence; you love it and love isn’t a good enough description. There are no English words worthy of the feeling. When innocence sees you, it’s always with unconditional love. I was blessed to see and experience innocence; innocence that never disappeared even after death. The innocence continues to live inside your memory. I’ve never forgotten and I won’t. Nothing could ever replace this memory.
As I begin, again, it’s like a rebirth. I’m not my past