bipolar · Borderline · Depression · God · Other

Retreat! Retreat!

The start of this year was hopeful; yet I was guarded. I knew, that it would be like the past years, but it’s just worse. 

I try everything to be a faithful and hopeful person but even asking God I fail. Miserably. I find every breath an enormous struggle. I just can’t shut down my emotional pain. My physical pain from my illnesses is horrible but so easy to manage in comparison. I don’t even notice most days my AS or fibro… you get the idea. My brain makes living damn near impossible. 

My birthday is soon. A couple close in the family want to know what I’d like. I can’t think of much so I just come up with a few things. I have some hope; thought about a specific career and yes I’m getting older but I’ve gotten my daughter to 18 successfully. That hope is such a weak thread. So close to breaking because it’s frayed. 

I promised someone very close to me that I’d finish writing my book. I have to get a computer again however. Just a simple well-running laptop. If I could have anything for my birthday; it would be peace, happiness, more faith and hope but most importantly my life with my husband. We’ve been apart by massive distance for too long. It’s not right and a horrible situation to be in. 
I begin to question whether we are going to spend the rest of our lives together and if so- when? The sick thing of life on our planet is that no one is deemed worthy unless they’re rich and/or successful. God never envisioned us to be this way.

There are days I just can’t do life. I just can’t win the struggle in my head. It’s Eve’s sorrow I will never stop carrying and the more time in this world the stronger the sorrow. 

Then there are days when I feel a sense of peace come over me. It’s such a different feeling for me since I so rarely have those days. Maybe I should be grateful that I can realize those days when most take them for granted. That doesn’t happen. I want it to be so, but it just doesn’t. Instead of taking things as they come and each day as it comes; I struggle with negative thoughts and feelings of a dismal future. Always braced for the coming storm yet even braced it destroys me. If something good, dare I say great happens, I’m in disbelief and shocked. It causes the same damage ironically. 

So I take and read the bible, preparing myself, seeking hope for myself and this world though that is futile because life will and does cease. Can you be physically alive and walking but destroyed so much you walk head down and frozen inside? Yes you can. 

I’m forgotten. I’ve forgotten. 

Give me peace, hope and increase my faith; be it so until my breath leaves my body and I become dust on this Earth. 

I have to retreat today. Fall back. The enemy is overtaking me. Rest, rest to quiet my thoughts and feelings of mental pain. 

(I know I’ll never truly rest.)


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