It seems negative circumstances keep finding me, but I’ll make it again as hard as it is some days as my blog clearly shows struggles and small victories. For today I decide to keep moving forward and no matter the day’s results I’ll continue taking those baby steps and fighting.
I’m persistent, strong, courageous and have always been sure to seek answers to every question I have; for no question or concern a human has is ridiculous, silly, or plain Stupid. Everyone is in a unique place and time of their lives. I will never stop learning, and I will never stop researching. So many things, people, cultures, diseases, the uncanny valley, science, religion, personal relationships with Jesus to be amazed by, the minds of the humble and meek, pharmaceuticals, minds of history and even the victories or defeats of any person and this world. Different languages to learn and understanding dead languages is an amazing prospect to discover the creating of humanity. I will always believe science only exists because of the Lord and I’m respectful to those who think otherwise; just so they learn His teaching and decide for themselves. However believing what you’re learning is such a beautiful experience. Searching, researching and knowledge give me an amazing feeling. Solving situations whatever they may be is extremely satisfying. Accomplishments feed energy for optimism.
So I’m not giving up today. I’m not in a place to predict the future, that is not something humans are to do. We must not kick down doors to what we want, rather we concentrate on those revealed to us. I’m talking aggression versus assertion. Being confident is the right way- not egoism, but also being humbled. We don’t have to give up on anything or any dream, even on our last days breathing. Trusting humans is one thing that can backfire, but trust, respect, and honoring our Father cannot.
I’m struggling with a lot including life or death circumstances, but my as well as the human race’s will to live (fight or flight response) is so intensely built into us. Even in suicidal moments there is always your conscience (from Jesus’ love) telling you it’s a bad decision causing the hardest fight of your life whether it’s the first thought or attempt to the 50th. We as humans are sinners by nature allowing our minds to make decisions and not taking into account our beautiful inner selves. This most amazing gift of life we’ve been given. Heck, life is not easy, and most can’t say they were told it was! We just never realize no matter our childhood just how hard it really is. Everyone has their unique circumstances and levels of tolerance. I’m saying we must not give up on ourselves!
I read a great book recently and I saved the portion that suggested: when suicidal think about self harm or suicide, possibly playing it out in your head but don’t do it at that moment. Pause, no matter the strength of desire until it passes then decide. That’s very hard if you’re impulsive by nature as I am. One thing those who’ve never been truly suicidal can understand is that there is so much internal pain (sometimes combined with physical) that rational thought is impossible. Our brains just aren’t equipped during these moments. Families and friends that view it as selfish have it slightly backward because we feel we’re burdens and we’re freeing them of us but our selfish part, rightfully so, is the immense desire to end the agony of our minds and bodies. It becomes torturous.
I know my suicidal and self harm ideation will never fully disappear and it’s hard as hell to cope when they happen. I do know some days are better while others have been worse. I have mental illness, I’m sick because of many things but as I’m focusing here, there is no cure; my brain just doesn’t cope or think like those without. I’m an emotional person and see into heavy, deep depths but it can be a gift and sometimes burdensome because loved ones don’t understand our meaning. Have you, anyone reading, experienced a real hard sob for more than a few minutes? It always releases part of my pain. The first time in so many years after being overly medicated that I was upset and sobbing so hard my chest literally hurt, was such a wonderful feeling ironically. It sucks to cry day after day, I know, but that happening after years of no emotion was so intense that it felt incredible! Releasing my emotion and expressing how I feel is a blessing. Having emotion, as deep as some of us have is an honest to God true blessing. It’s almost as if there are no words in any language that could possibly come close to a description of what soft hearts experience.
I don’t in any way feel bad about feeling so strongly even when it’s painful. Instead I feel sadness for those who can’t feel to such intensity and degree. It can be lonely living in our minds when it seems you’re speaking in a language they don’t understand. A lot of us hear, “you’re over emotional/irrational” when we just need someone to trust; someone who believes in us and can just hold us through the pain. They don’t have to understand or know. We just want love- not criticism.