living

Fortified by Flaw

We have so much distance, distance we don’t deserve. It threatens to break us, to tear us completely; we are better than that. The master of sin cannot ruin what God has started. He works to destroy us; me. The very foundation my morals, my love, who I am and my footing are on, is cracking, causing me to stumble more and more. I’m reaching to grasp anything so I don’t collapse. I feel like there’s so little light left inside me and it’s just so hard to think. So hard to be who I am inside. I’m a marionette that someone else is playing; strings made out of steel so the more I struggle the more the wires make me bleed. Often I just have to let go and heal only to struggle twice as hard the next time. I’ve been fortified endlessly with scar upon scar, losing who I started out to be; who God made me to be. Compassion and life only sparking inside rather than a continuous burning flame. This is how I try to protect myself from pain.

Reaching out for comfort from people I love or are very loving friends can be damn near impossible. I just want someone to recognize; to see my struggle and to love unconditionally who I am. I desire so much for lots of friends but not just any; the true ones who hold me above water no matter how many times I need help. The ones that take over everything while I can’t manage to care for myself. The problem therein lies I have to believe and trust that their compassion is real and accept that most have no idea what it’s like to feel damaged or that others don’t feel what you do. In fact, as pathetic as it appears typed; I have no friends. They’ve all left. Some days I really want to lay it all on the table; including the metaphorical gun I hold to my head everyday. I always wonder why after someone has completed suicide others are more compassionate to their fight in life. Don’t they see it’s too late? Maybe it’s easier for others to deal with the death of the struggle than to put effort into support of raising them up? If a person looks hard enough, they’ll see the truth for what it is and one person could, out of so many in the world, share that strength.

I know I expect too much. I know I need too much. I know I am complicated. I know I am human. Do you?

The master of sin who fragments my mind and life deserves no recognition. Distance is the worst of all courses in life. It’s the most tumultuous and heartbreaking, and he knows that. You know what? Jesus knows that as well. So STOP falling into the pain! For it’s love that keeps me alive! H.O.P.E. (Hold On Pain Ends) Let Jesus decide that fate and the moment. Giving up will end my own thoughts and tears, but ,….. I shouldn’t kick open the doors He wants me to stay behind. Those doors could be only freewill leading me to more struggle. There’s no room in me for invitation of more pain. I don’t want death; I want life. A full life without the perils of today’s existence. A life void of the mental agony stored inside my mind.

Would you please come now? I haven’t any more patience. It’s rude to ask and state so, but it’s like being barely able to breathe anymore. I wanted the happy ending in this world but especially the next.Why do I keep trying? Why do I keep moving forward to the next age? My bitterness and sorrow all lies inside the fact I have to continue living this way. Beginning what is supposed to be temporary makes me die a little each time the rope frays.

Then I realize I am standing on weak, water-damaged boards with a noose around my neck. That fraying rope was the foreground to what is happening.

Praying those boards just disintegrate and end it. Pushing my feet harder into the saturated wood because being between living and dying, the line is so thin, and life is so fragile yet I am strong; too strong for my own sake. I’m taking my life from you. You let go, only listening to a portion of the importance. I know you aren’t perfect, I know I am not perfect, but somewhere there has to have been an answer.
KatieB2017

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