Borderline · Depression · hope · living

Complexities, All My Own


a_complex_mind_by_mcslither-d2yw26k2It’s been a long while since I’ve decided to add any entries to this blog but a lot has been happening. Which in turn explains all the crazy dreams I have been having for weeks. My medical issues have become extreme and I’m avoiding a lot of what I need to get done regarding that, some of which I’ve told no one. Most of it is from anxiety. I don’t think I can pinpoint a reason I’d be anxious but it’s probably a collaboration of so many reasons. It doesn’t help when your past is merging with your present thoughts equaling very strange, bad dreams. It’s hard to classify any dreams I have as nightmares and maybe because there aren’t real reasons for them to cause actual terror. I’ve dreamed many times of horrible things, but it’s almost as if I am so used to the bad I am not effected; a type of desensitization due to the things this world offers. I can pinpoint a few themes to my dreams that I am thankful for. You will probably find some of them strange but they help me in various ways. Some, well almost all, are bittersweet.

I am so thankful for dreams of the second coming. Those are my favorite and the theme rarely changes. It’s almost the same manner every time and I have them often. I also appreciate dreams of me completing suicide. As crazy as that sounds, it’s true. My thoughts are that it gives me the release I’ve always wanted to obtain. I have an extensive history with hospital visits/stays and days in ICU. These were from so many times I just couldn’t do anything anymore. Most people wouldn’t even understand that nor the evil thoughts that occur when this decision is made. I experience this world’s demons. They’re everywhere including your head. My head. I personally think most people can’t hear them as obvious but they’re there. Demons manifest themselves around every corner and the only resolution for people who do see and hear them is to rely on God’s promises. It’s the only way I stay alive.

These suicide dreams give me a sort of satisfaction yet they trouble me for days, sometimes weeks. I try not to obsess over them but my dreams are colorful and vivid. I am not one of those people that knows they are dreaming. To me, at those moments, I’m living that. It’s my reality, so waking is a weird experience. Sure I spend days depressed and wondering why it was only a dream but I get that same feeling from my revelation dreams. At the moment I really can’t think of any analogy that would describe this sentiment to someone who has never experienced this and maybe that’s why a lot of people just don’t understand the concepts behind these emotions. I don’t speak for everyone, just myself and as much as I want everyone to understand, there are two reasons I don’t want them to know.

  1. It makes me unique and I’m thankful that I can process life so differently. To an extent that only few get.
  2. I don’t want anyone dealing with the desperation, intensity of mental anguish, or consequences to having this day in and out. It’s painful. I do however see myself as highly blessed.

It’s as if I experience a death of someone everyday but the way I react to real biological death is nothing short of shock. 

That statement above may not make sense but it’s pure honesty and truth. Maybe that’s my analogy…

My dreams spin through my mind on and off for hours and tangle with the events and sensitivities of life. Some scientists say, and I agree, that the human brain never stops thinking. (I have my own proof to understand this concept. Not getting into that at this point) I think most people will have thoughts they aren’t fully recognizing and go about their day. For me, I am aware of, I’d estimate 95%, of every thought. They stick and render my memory of actual discussions poor. I suppose I am always ‘locked in my head’!

But life has been nipping at my heels like a small vicious dog, or even a herding dog. Things get more complex with every day and every month. I do my best with not planning too far ahead and living by the day; sometimes by the hour or minute. Life just constantly tries to rush me and the only way to avoid that is by disconnecting from everything and everyone. My relationships are in disarray lately and I feel the urge to fly and not fight anymore. This is a complicated understanding and a lot can be taken from that message. I’ve been a fighter in different facets my whole life. Hard-headed, hot-headed, stubborn but pushing through negativity. My strength dissolves rapidly but I seem to always bounce back. At times this really irritates me! Sometimes I just want to give up, back off and not think anymore. I can’t figure out if I want people to accept that or if I want help. Biggest conundrum of my life which causes so much inner turmoil.

I wish I could fix everything wrong and boy do I try. I find solutions and manage to work out situations often, I’m pretty darn good at it yet I panic including in prayer. Those solutions aren’t my own, He gives me them. I trust things can be handled no matter what but the devil just plays with my head!

The distance from my husband is spiraling out of control. The longer the lack of true communication and sincerity, the further apart we become. It’s like a viper connecting with a mouse on a pleasing level of friendship; it doesn’t happen. I know I can survive alone, I’ve done it before, but I want him in my life. I’m glad it’s a want and not a dependence. Now don’t read into that, it’s a plain fact with no inside intention as meaning. I can’t even figure my own thoughts on where my life is headed. I just know what I want; God shows me what I need and provides what I want based on that concept. My human brain doesn’t like to accept that but I think that goes for almost everyone. I struggle often trying to do the right things. The right things I mention are what God wants from me; not necessarily what people describe as “right”. Humanity is far from the same as divinity. Evil can’t read my thoughts but they sure know how to input ideas and emotions. Proverbs 3:5-6 “…lean not on your own understanding…” This is one thing I am reminded of when my sentiments are out of control. I want so many better things in my life and other’s lives. I can’t fix the world! Only myself. All I know is my head, heart, and body are losing in my fights against everything. I’m failing. I hold myself up to certain standards but they’re waning from me. Chaos is everywhere I go and at every corner I turn.

I’m living each day as if I will be continuing the path that was set into motion several years ago. I can’t live anymore with what-ifs. They’re not conducive to my anxiety nor my health. I want out of my head for awhile and I just don’t receive that because I’m usually dreaming vividly. Everyone I know can have a good time with others somewhere but though I am present- my mind and feelings are behind my smiles and laughs. I can never escape myself. I can’t ever just disappear and envelop my full attention to happiness or peace. I feel like I’m walking on the ledge of a highrise, sometimes doing a skip or jump along the way knowing that one small mistake, a breeze, a sneeze even, can cause me to lose my footing and that’s the end; all the while questioning- is that what I really want?

Is mortal life what I truly desire and why? Why isn’t it? Giving in seems so easy but I have to tell you; it’s almost impossible.
KatieB 2017

(photo courtesy of

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