I often sit, wander off in my mind and daydream. It’s about a different life. Sometimes it’s when I would step off a plane in Sydney. I wonder what would that be like? What will I actually feel? I’d like to think I’d cry with emotion but I know me; it would be pure shock and disbelief. The further it gets away from that possibility the less I daydream about it. The more I feel it’s a dream that’s becoming hopeless. I may never see him again but I guess I am happy having had the time I did with him. Most days it’s not enough to squash away tears but it’s out of my hands. It hurts, the distance, the inability to embrace but I have a small bit of faith things will turn out as they are supposed to. Only God knows how this will all turn out.
Other daydreams are nightmares. Nightmares of losing more people in my life. I think it’s just my mind trying to come to terms with the fact that more people I love will die. It’s a fact of life and I’ve dealt with it too much. It’s very hard to accept even though I’m no stranger to the death of loved ones. Over the years we’ve been through so much and there is an unspoken love. Sure I get sad but I try to focus on the fun, loving times we’ve had. It’s a whole other type of grief. I try to stay hopeful that at 37 I still have happiness yet to come. I attempt to also accept that I may not. Some days are harder than others. Some daydreams are worse thoughts than others. I attempt to force joyful images but it’s hard.
Is there light left in this world? Is there any hope in humanity, or are we nearing the end? We’ve always known the world wouldn’t last forever whether you think scientifically or religiously. I want things to end because there is nothing but desperation in our human race. I see all the violence and pain. I see the hurt and sickness. I fully believe in Jesus and our Lord, and I do know He is coming but I would never use my belief for violence. There are Christians persecuting others and other religions persecuting Christians. There is so much wrong and evil. Why so much hate? These questions I have are only answered in the Bible; this chapter we have on Earth as a human race was long ago predicted to end this way. It’s sin. It’s getting through it, and following the path we should that’s the most difficult. I’m nowhere near perfect in any way but I’m trying. God knows I am.
All these partially hopeful but desperate feelings in my head can be confusing to where I’m lost… I love the nighttime and I really don’t like the sun nor hot weather. I prefer to sit in front of a fire with a hoodie. Unfortunately my favorite time is also my worst. Sort of ironic I suppose because I don’t enjoy misery. One of the things hardest in my life is being happy in the moment. I always crash at some point in the middle and feel a horrible sense of sadness and pain. I don’t know why this comes over me and I find myself hiding and trying to regroup. I never think anyone would understand so I don’t explain my early retiring from a get-together. It’s as if it’s an over-stimulation and guilt. I often feel unworthy of being consistently joyful; I self destruct. I find myself going to my private journal which is only done on paper in ink or coming here typing to the void and trying to make sense. I don’t care anymore what a purpose could be in life. I only think about getting through it and wishing one day I’ll accept the life I have lived and the choices I’ve made. If I hadn’t made the choices I did I may have hated myself even more.
I’m tired of the self-destruct mechanism in my head. I’m tired of hating no one but myself. I’m so exhausted with being in pain and sadness. I’m desperate for sleep. I had a beautiful dream a few weeks ago and I’m not sure I can explain in words the depth of emotion. I know it was not an ordinary dream and seemed more like a vision. I had died but no recollection of that and no recollection of past pain. I saw Jesus in the moonlight around clouds after angels departed so I could see Him. I was instantly struck with so much joy and completeness. It was pure acceptance looking into His eyes, as if he knew things I know no one could ever know. His eyes were gentle and full of compassion and forgiveness. There was so much relief looking into His eyes that I collapsed and my eyes filled with a release of joyful tears; of the feeling that finally someone knew. That He knew and I didn’t need to speak a word. Oh the compassion! I wanted to reach out and touch his foot. I wanted to be with Him and nowhere else. I didn’t even think about anyone because it was as if they never existed. I eventually woke and instantly thought of Andrew; how I wanted to share that intense unconditional love and understanding I felt so he could feel it too. I want everyone to feel those feelings and I mean everyone. Anything with life in it in this world. It was indescribable.
But that vision is starting to fade and I long for Him. I wish it had been the new beginning; the thousand years. Now I have to wait and at the worst time in my life here I was shown what it’s all been worth waiting for. If only I can hang on I know that feeling is worth EVERYTHING and ANYTHING I’d go through.
If I can just convince my brain to stop the self-destruct, to stop hurting when I see pain in others and myself. I’m truly glad I can feel compassion until it hurts; but it hurts and sometimes the pain is too much. Sometimes I just can’t get away from it in my little world. My depression can manifest in strong anger but I never hate. It’s so hard to say kind words in my fit of rage in my mind but I never hate. I just can’t and often I think people don’t understand that about me. Everyone has demons; there are no exceptions and we all deal with them in our own ways. I feel sorrow when someone is violent or hateful.
We are all casualties of an unseen war.