bipolar · Borderline · Depression · hope · living · love · Other · Suicide

The flickering Candle

I’ve learned and have had a new insight on my life since I hit about 33 years old. Now, it has only been a few/ several years since then but it’s a strange cathartic experience. It’s sort of the time I finally understood the advice my parents gave me and the value. A time when I’ve kicked myself for not learning from their examples; but that’s part of being a kid and finding out who I am and what I need or want in life. I’ve realized, they were right probably 99% of the time. It’s also been a huge lightbulb moment (like the cartoons) from around the last few years. 

I had to grow up in certain ways from a very young age and I regret not being able to just be a kid. I regret the neglect I did on my health as well as deliberate actions against my health. It’s not completely my fault because navigating my way through mental illness, physical pain, and taking years to learn insight played a large role. Certain roles also were placed on me being the oldest girl, but a middle child, and having a younger sister with a severe disability. I haven’t had the worst life, but I’ve had an exceptionally difficult and challenging one. 
With all my experiences in life so far, I’ve learned what I need and what I want. I’ve learned about communication with others in a healthier way (no I’m not perfect and sometimes I forget those skills). I’ve learned I’m an INFJ and proud of the good and bad parts of me. I’ve always been deeply devoted as a wife, but I’ve realized that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t assert how I feel and not be treated as a lesser person. I have boundaries and I have rights to be loved and respected. I’ve an older mixed with newer idea of marriage. It doesn’t fit most relationships and its been the old fashioned part of me that’s always created chaos. (It’s sort of like women fought so hard for empowerment and becoming equal, that we aren’t recognized as women anymore. We’ve lost who we are as the opposite gender.) I don’t handle this current vision well. Now as women we work twice as hard; we are expected to work full time yet be full time for our children. In my opinion, we’ve fought for great things but we kind of screwed ourselves over. 

I just want to be treated as a special individual woman by the one who professes to love me. Sadly as I’ve gotten older, I’m realizing there are no happy endings in my life. The dream of being rescued and taken care of was just that – a dream for little girls. I really think it ends up setting a little girl up for disappointment as a woman. I understand there are expectations forced on men too, men just seem to accept and handle them better from my perspective. As a woman, I’m an emotional human. I enjoy being a woman and I enjoy marriage in itself. 

The ironic and sad thing is, I know who I am and what I want, I’m assertive in that, but it’s ruining my quality of life instead of enhancing it. It seems a lot of people don’t appreciate assertiveness and the fact I won’t accept being treated different than how I should.  

Why do I feel at times I’m abandoned whenever I express the things I need? It’s because I am. As a Christian wife I’m to be treated the most important after God but I’ve learned even in a marriage that blood is thicker than water.  The problem with that? We’re all of the same blood. 

Priorities are completely askew in my marriage and my life. When it’s just me that’s easier to fix, but throw marriage in, there’s priority chaos- especially when you’re running two households because of distance. It’s actually simple in my opinion; the husband should recognize that their wife is still a woman, no matter how tough she appears to be, and has higher vulnerabilities. 

As a person overall, I’ve felt taken for granted my whole life because I’ve had a steel exterior. 

In reality, I’m a flower that’s easily crushed.

In reality, I won’t always get through the damage; one day I won’t be around. A person can be extremely strong but inside very weak. I don’t care what anyone thinks about the idea of a person not having a breaking point. We all do and I’ve been there in that darkness. I’ve had a nervous breakdown. Life is/was becoming silent and automated. I fought to leave life behind numerous times. 

I’m reaching that finality. I’m not as tough as I once was and the old me has set up everyone to think I’d make it no matter what. I do have a breaking point and one day my impulsivity and pain of different kinds will end me. Whether I like it or not. 

It gets easier everyday to give up when you feel no one is listening to your cries anymore. Easier each time you feel taken for granted. Easier when your assertiveness is seen as narcissism. 

It’s actually pretty easy to destroy me. I may not show you out of protecting myself but I hope those who love me understand I’m not titanium. 

-Komodolover/ Katie


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