Another night when the monster creeps into my head before trying to sleep. A wait, until the sleeping pill kicks in because the insomnia and that monster will keep me up to fill my head with dangerous thoughts and commands; sometimes for days with an hour of rest here and there.
I know life was never meant to be easy but I never knew just how hard it would be. I’ve been on this earth for over 35 years and I still haven’t accepted anything. One day I’m ready to give it all I’ve got and no holding back but that night or the next day I’m exhausted. Not only mentally but physically. I totally understand others reasons for giving up. Those of us with AS, with depression, with chronic pain no matter the source. I try everything to satisfy that horrible darkness and pain but it always wins and I’m tired of losing. Yes I’m a sore loser.
How, how does one survive and embrace their life that was dealt? How do you survive AS, depression, your own mind and body? This is all just rhetoric that I’ll never have an answer to. I’m one who tries to find answers, I search and search. I never stop with anything until I get the answer. If it doesn’t have an answer it torments me endlessly. I delve into books and lose the world, yes even non-fiction which are my favorite.
I want out. I want a way out of my Spondylitis, my depression, my bpd, and my fibromyalgia. My spoons are extinct. I don’t know if I’ve had one that I lose and randomly get back.
I go to Jesus for comfort. He always listens but sometimes I can’t see the answers and that’s my fault. He’s what keeps me going. I want more than anything to be with Him. I wish He’d send me another vision, dream, because it’s a release I can’t describe. Pure peace and not any kind you can get here. A feeling that finally someone really does understand and has seen my entire thoughts from the womb. It’s not pity I ever feel from His soft eyes. I don’t want pity. No, it’s just unrelenting joy. Dropping to your knees without warning joy and no tears good or bad because I just didn’t have that emotion. I just felt extreme longing to touch His feet- to be near Him. It was terrifying yet a sense of love and wanting nothing but to stay in His presence.
Show me again please. The world of sin is killing me. I need the reinforcement to keep going. -That I need to remember the great journeys on my way to my real home. Please defend my life, I beg of you.
If I didn’t have ankylosing spondylitis, depression, pain, anxiety, fibro, insomnia, delayed sleep phase, pure chronic unrelenting pain, having a borderline personality where everything is black or white yet I express grey areas, would I survive that or would I lose focus in a different way? (Again all rhetorical) No one but God knows.
I’m tired, so so tired. There’s no other word I can use right now. I’m beaten down. Just the thoughts where ‘it’ wants me to drop dead.
Maybe someday I’ll give it what it wants. I’ve always tried. Lord knows I try everyday. I’m just waiting for the way out and eventually it will happen and I’ll find it. Instead of running down as endless dark hall maybe there will be pure light ahead.
Fight to keep going, fight to die, fight to keep trying and again fighting to give up. I’m definitely exhausted mentally and physically. So tonight, before I fall asleep, I fight to protect me from myself. Delayed sleep phase is so consuming and debilitating of my life to top the rest. When I just want to shut my eyes early and give that day up. Hoping for something different if the sun comes up.