The new year is right around the corner and I’ve no hope today. I can’t think clearly or feel comfortable in any way. More than anything I just want to be rescued. I want that little girl’s dream of being cuddled and taken care of as a woman. I want someone to stand in front of me when a stranger is trying to hurt me. I want so much inside that I have spent my life trying to find all of it and getting hurt in the process. Why does loneliness exist? Why can’t I be comfortable with just myself? Why does everything feel like knives stabbing into me? Why does sleep and my mind torture me? Questions with no answers.
I’m tired, God knows that above all. My pain joins hands as if they’re teaming up to destroy me. I’m sure they realize they’re breaking me down. My brain’s switch is on self-sabotage. A never ending spiral of self-destruction. My mind is twisted and not a single rational thought is allowed to enter at the moment.
Is this all foreshadowing? Is this really how my life is going to be or will I die before 40? I’ve two years to learn; yes, learn. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I don’t want to feel my pain while I dream in sleep. For the first time I touched my face and felt tears but didn’t realize I was crying. My body knows it’s hurting, my brain knows it’s hurting and I want nothing more than to be able to stop thinking, feeling and dreaming. Only one viable solution when these things happen; yet one question- what do I do? There’s no getting away from the pain, memories and thoughts.
I’m tired. I’m hurting. Please stop doing this to me. Someone please save me.