It’s been 8 months since I did an entry. There isn’t one specific reason. It just happened that way. My daughter received her acceptance letters and is starting college in less than a week. I’m so proud of her. I know how difficult this has been and will be for her. I do worry about her, especially because she is so strong for everyone else and like me, maybe not as strong for herself. It’s a battle to live being this way. Even if you make it obvious about your inner strength people don’t take it serious enough when you need them to. It’s painful and lonely and eventually gets to you.
I don’t sleep. When I saw my husband recently for the first time in a few years life wasn’t as difficult. Life had more hope and purpose. I feel like a failure to everyone most days but not so many when I’m in his arms. When he’s here I feel safe from others and from myself. When he’s with me I’m not as afraid. My brain just can’t accept things the way they are. It hurts too much.
I just want to walk away. Run away. I feel like my heart is bleeding out. The night comes and swallows any shred of hope I might have. There is no way out of this madness. It consumes me. In the mirror I see my eyes go greener and tears reflect from the light. I can’t hide from myself. I can’t hide from the panic in my mind when it overflows with thoughts. Thoughts of desire, being crushed by life, feeling the mistakes I’ve made in life over and over. I see it in my eyes, feel it in my chest and want nothing more than to silence myself. My thoughts streaming from childhood until now. Wondering if I was ever truly loved by anyone. Confused over abandonment and desertion. I’m alone. I recently realized that is not just a “maybe” I’m alone, it’s an I AM ALONE. It’s excusable by others for the choices I have made in life. My attempts are always fruitless because I’m different. Maybe I deserve to be let go. After all, I don’t see any worth left in me why should anyone else?
The secrets I hold in my mind, on my journal pages, and the walls of my room are enough to sink any ship. I’ve never had the one thing I want out of this world. I think I’m not going to. I’m not sure if I see reality too well or my mind has twisted everything. Life takes and takes from me. What’s going to happen when I run out of pieces to lose? Maybe I am out of pieces. Maybe life has sucked everything out of me but my breath. Honestly, I’m grabbing upwards hanging from the edge of a cliff and there’s nothing to grasp. The night will be back, it always is. The depression always returns. It’s never gone forever, at least while you’re breathing. It’s overpowering and suffocating. It’s a losing battle for me.