ankylosing spondylitis · arthritis · bipolar · Borderline · Chronic Kidney Disease · Depression · God · hope · Jesus · living · love · Other · Other Blogs · Suicide

We Must Not Give Up

It seems negative circumstances keep finding me, but I’ll make it again as hard as it is some days as my blog clearly shows struggles and small victories. For today I decide to keep moving forward and no matter the day’s results I’ll continue taking those baby steps and fighting. I’m persistent, strong, courageous and… Continue reading We Must Not Give Up

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Evergreen 

I’m going to miss the evergreen trees and the cuddling weather; heavy sweaters, hoodies, thick soft blankets and cool breezy days. I don’t like heat from the sun and it’s a rare day when I walk outside to drive somewhere; the sky is bright with a perfect breeze and cool temperature. When I can open… Continue reading Evergreen 

bipolar · Borderline · Depression · God · Jesus · Other · Other Blogs · Suicide

Atypical

Am I using that properly? I mean to say, I’m not typical in any way and I always take everyone off guard. It’s uncomfortable for me but them too I’m sure. I just can’t be typical. I fight guilt everyday in every way inside my head when anything is said to me or my behavior is questioned. Every thought I have no matter what it relates to, I scrutinize in vivid detail. 

I watch others, overhear  conversations and wonder why I can’t exist in those ways. I wonder if they’re faking it to make it too. If at home they too fall apart or even the moment they get into their vehicles. 

What place do us types have because I’m one of the lost whose lived way too much, more than possible? Will we ever find a place of peace in our minds? Will I always feel like a victim instead of a survivor? I’ve fought and fought through my life; mostly I’ve fought myself to keep alive from my thoughts with almost dying the last time. Other times I’ve fought people and have lost those battles creating my victim status. Sexual assault, rape and physical abuse are terrifying to experience and will ruin your trust in the human race. It takes many years to rebuild that feeling of trust but it takes only one moment, one mistake to happen, and you’re back to never forgetting how important trust is to you. Everything is questioned in your mind and you are back to the beginning. Relearning. 

I have very few pleasant memories of my life as far back to the age I can remember. I’m not sure that wouldn’t even have made much of a difference. My brain chemistry plays a much larger part than my environment. 

I mean how do I explain that I feel like I’m dying? It’s a real feeling I can’t escape anymore but it’s seen as overreacting. How do I get others to leave me alone when I want to die? Why is it considered a crime to kill myself? Where is my place in this world?  I’m a tiny ant amongst giants. Only God hears me, knows my seriousness, my pain and believes my thoughts, actions, and words. 

So maybe, just maybe my place is not in this world; maybe my place lies in what’s after death. I don’t fit into this place. No one knows the real me, I’m still discovering that myself really but if you put a color to me it would be black. I’m a void to everyone, to myself even and add blue for the tears. 

Did I ever tell you how much I love the rain? 

I feel like what the rain feels. However I’m a blank canvas for everyone to paint all over with what they want. And I let it happen. 

KAB2016©

ankylosing spondylitis · arthritis · bipolar · Borderline · Depression · God · Jesus · Other · Other Blogs · Suicide

Breathe in or Breathe out    

I’m getting too old for any games life throws my way. Too tired mentally. I’ve not bothered to truly tell anyone my actual thoughts, it will stay that way, though people probably see me as easy to read. I’m not. I have a question that no one can or will be able to answer, with… Continue reading Breathe in or Breathe out    

bipolar · Borderline · Chronic Kidney Disease · Depression · God · Jesus · Other · Other Blogs · Suicide

Cold Toast

I couldn’t sleep last night. Every time I would drift off I would then wake up. The night air was so cool and comfortable. I had my windows open and the side I lie on I get a full view of many things. Unfortunately a lot of sounds I don’t find comfort in. Like the… Continue reading Cold Toast

ankylosing spondylitis · arthritis · bipolar · Borderline · Depression · God · Jesus · Other · Other Blogs · Suicide

Varied Thoughts…

I once looked out the window on a sunny mild day I thought, there is nothing out there for me It appeared an empty void A painting that I couldn’t wish to be in I once looked out the window on a sunny mild day There was no color in my eyes A grey existence… Continue reading Varied Thoughts…

bipolar · Borderline · Depression · God · Jesus · Other · Other Blogs · Suicide

Grieving of Life

I miss you. I miss my home, And I miss my family. Even if I mean nothing, they mean everything. I miss you I miss my new home that I’ve never been. I miss my new family, that I feel I’ve known for years. It’s been awhile, I wish I could hug you again, tell… Continue reading Grieving of Life