It’s truly amazing when you meet someone, know someone and feel entirely different than you ever have in your life. To the point that over and over again you want to only do for them. Not talking about your children because most would do anything for their kids without question. I’m speaking about someone you always want to touch, to be around, who makes you smile while you’re dead asleep to the world as you briefly open your eyes and see them, only to fall back asleep soundly. Listening to their heartbeat with your head on their chest. Every move you make and every waking thought is of them and you can feel love inside you expanding outwards like drinking cold water on a hot day or a warm cup of hot chocolate when you’re freezing and you feel it warm you from inside your chest and throat outwards across your body. The person you kiss and every kiss gives you butterflies and longing for it to never end. The little bits of selfish activities just vaporize and you only want to do for them, you want them to feel happiness at all times and you want them to never feel they aren’t appreciated and loved. You do literally anything your mind can think of to love them, help them and support them. Even more great is how it becomes a loving back and forth like pong with no one ever missing a hit. An endless rendition of positivity, love and support ricocheting back and forth. And when you’re together you lose hours because you’re so into being with them. The world becomes just you and the other. Forgetting anything and everything else happening in your personal life as well as across oceans. None of it matters in those moments.
I finally found what it really is like to meet a soulmate. I was fooling myself thinking at any time in the past I had been there. I can’t describe in words how different the feeling and connection are. It’s like we literally picked up right where we left off in some other time or multiverse. It’s pure comfort in his presence. Being able to do anything or nothing but being at ease in either when together. No pressure to achieve or not achieve something. Forgetting all the awful things outside your own little world. I can feel sad and if we aren’t together he just knows. It’s absolutely strange yet beautiful. We have never met in this life before now. It’s taken me so much heartache, loss, pain and an entire lifetime to find my connection and it’s truly amazing. I’m working so incredibly hard to fight the demons in my thoughts in order to just be. To just enjoy that I’ve found this. I fear I’ll get sicker and will have less time yet some days I have a hard time keeping going. Depression is a beast like that. You could be in pure ecstasy and happiness but one thought in your mind can completely sabotage it. For no reason whatsoever. I’m in fear often that I’ll lose him now that I’ve found him. By loss I mean death because I don’t feel he’ll ever disappear willingly. God don’t take this from me, please. I didn’t think I was capable of more love towards someone. I didn’t realize you could love even harder than I have before but it’s happened! It’s so foreign yet wonderful. I love every part; if he’s sweaty, or dirty or even needs a shower! I don’t care but instead love it! Everything is acceptable to me. Nothing bothers me! It’s insane. I can’t even make sense of most things. I just know I’m happy. No matter what with him I’m happy. There are things that make me sad and angry or afraid in life but NEVER is it him or with him. He makes me feel needed, wanted, loved, accepted, understood and safe. I feel like an important human, I feel like a cherished soul and woman.
It’s when we’re apart or I’m dealing with something outside of us that I struggle. Or when my depression decides to cause me to overthink or twists things that shouldn’t ever be analyzed in the first place. I have to learn to keep this part of me under better control as much as I’m able. I can see myself on the ledge of the bridge but if he was standing there I couldn’t jump. I couldn’t let him watch me do that and I couldn’t fathom seeing the pain in his eyes after seeing that twinkle, that light when he’s watching me each day. I couldn’t destroy him like that. I just really hope my depression doesn’t fool me when we’re apart. He’s amazing and he’s mine. It’s unbelievable he was meant for me and no one has seen his beauty before me. From inside his soul to his physical body he’s just beautiful. I die every second I’m not spending in his presence.
Locked In My Head 