I don’t recognize my life anymore. I don’t say anything because my parents would probably say be happy with what you have and everyone I kind of know on social media are all too busy sharing only the good parts of their lives. How could anyone understand? Years ago, I would just try to talk to anyone who might listen to get it off my chest, but now it seems there’s no one to listen and even when I begin to talk I realize it’s a waste of both our times for me to bother. So I can sit, stay quiet, lost in my own thoughts, and wonder why I keep moving forward. Why do I? I’m getting older, and I’m still waiting for anything. Anything that might change this disgusting hell we all live in.

I feel like I have nothing now. I can’t even keep myself going most days. I feel like I’m locked inside my bubble and have zero control about getting out. It’s all my doing that I’m in this deep. I can’t sit and create anything, and my Ketamine infusions are almost just an escape at this point. They worked but not long enough. And that’s because I go right back into the frying pan when I get back. I try to learn a whole different way of continuing afterward, and it sort of works. For a little while, anyway.

A couple of weeks ago, I pushed myself to just walk. I walked all over and probably was a couple of miles. I’m not positive, but I was in such intense physical pain for 3 days after that I wished I had walked into traffic like I had been considering that day. I don’t want to live like this. Not anymore. The problem is I have no way to change anything. I gave up my freedom. I gave up everything. But I got nothing in return, nor did I expect to until now. There’s just nothing anymore. A vast, dark, and empty existence. We are entirely alone. I am alone.

I’m traveling to the Mayo clinic in July as I was accepted for a second opinion on one of my conditions I was diagnosed with and it was stated that its from my kidney disease however I had to push 2 of my specialists to even help me figure things out. I have zero confidence in their ability now. I could have a tumor in my head, but it wouldn’t matter if I did. It would just explain a lot, maybe provide some validation but otherwise pointless. I don’t know if anything would change anything now. Why am I even bothering? Maybe because it distracts me a little. I don’t know, to be honest.

I used to love looking at the stars, and in fact, a few weeks ago, I saw a meteor falling in the sky. First, I’ve ever witnessed. It was half confusing and half beautiful, and I felt special being able to see it. My aunt died on Mother’s Day, and she was always close to me and my siblings growing up. She died so unfairly, but as I’ve learned, there is no fairness in this world, especially regarding suffering and death.

I’m tired, guys. So very tired. I try not to ask for much, and I ask for even less now. I’ve given all that I have and all that I am. There’s nothing left of me. I don’t know that I can come back from this. Not like I used to. Something recently broke inside me at some random point, and it’s unfixable. It can’t be talked over, and medication won’t make it disappear either. A long walk can’t fix it. I’m broken, and I’m tired of trying to fix what’s broken. I’m 100% a burden to every living thing on this planet, which includes my own self. If the self exists.