The last 12 months have been crap for everyone in all sorts of ways but mine over the last couple of months has been ridiculously filled with depression and pain. There’s really no way to begin this that I can work out in my head properly but I’ll give it a try.
There have been by no means what “normal” people would consider a recent horrible tragedy in my life. Unless you consider the spiraling depression of mine as tragic. I had a fallout with the psych doctor I had been seeing. Basically, she told me that there’s no way the pandemic could’ve been a reason for my relapse of clinical depression. Quote: “If that were the case then everyone would have clinical depression”. I was so depressed after that conversation and even more that was said in the session I greatly considered my life of no value and anxiously thought about just killing myself. I even wrote her a message stating how I felt about what she said and never received a response. Luckily, my GP offered to take over my psych meds treatment. So I somehow got past that and finally decided I needed to see a psychologist/therapist desperately. For years therapy has been unsuccessful for me. The current person I see is much easier to talk to and it’s just a better situation that I’ve tried sticking out.
The thing is, for weeks I’ve been spiraling and my memory issues only make it worse because I never remember the things to try to help me in those moments. I was diagnosed with a memory/cognition disorder and it’s been so difficult for a while. I most definitely have an attention disorder as well that I battle. Neuropsych testing did show me my strengths and pointed out my trouble. Mentally I’d say I’m pretty far down and have been for a while. I spoke with the therapist last week because I felt incredibly suicidal. To be more precise it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. This time. In the past it was always impulsive as well as my reaction to those thoughts. I learned yesterday that I am definitely willing to be impulsive in the moment if I have the access/means. I told my therapist Friday that I was worried about where my head was going. Blips of sanity hit and remind me this isn’t normal. These thoughts aren’t right or good. It’s easier and easier everyday to ignore those blips if they even show up.
I got to the beginning of the bridge, paused feeling accomplished that I had it in me to get there simply by walking and decided to send a message to someone close to me.
The facts are simple. I got there, walked there and I changed direction 3 times before deciding to. I tried to just go for a walk to clear my mind and distract. To enjoy the outdoors for a bit but that just didn’t happen. There was only really one reason I turned around. The person I messaged was too upset about the circumstance to respond the way I needed. I felt helpless and hopeless.
People in their yards, mowing their lawns and driving by me who had no idea I was struggling. We’re all bottled up in our own worlds to notice others.
As I walked back towards home with tears I realized that I have no future, no value, no worth, my life is pointless and has become meaningless. Sure I continue to set up appointments and I continue the routine in my life but I’m numb to it. I just don’t care anymore. I know that now. The world including my personal slice of it will never change for the better. I’ll never feel I have value and I’ll only ever be missed by a few when it’s my time to leave. Do I continue to just wait? I’ve never enjoyed being alive for more than maybe a day in my entire life. Now at the age of 41 I wonder how I could ever last another 40 years should no health issues shorten that or a freak accident.
I don’t think I can go through more. I don’t want to go through anything more. God forgive me for hating my life so much but I just can’t. I’ve not been eating much and I can’t sleep more than a few hours in the afternoons. There is nothing in front of me. Only time. I’m so tired. Tired of hoping I’ll receive the love I want, need and deserve. Tired of hoping some great positive change is coming. Tired of feeling alone. I don’t want help to just trudge through this muddy life. I don’t want to drag my feet and be weighed down by my messed up brain for the next 40 years.
I’m just over it all. I’ve failed at everything in life I’ve sought to achieve.
It takes a little under 3 seconds; that’s all.
I’m so over dealing with myself. I can’t imagine what people I know feel about me.