Spiraling/It’s Crippling

The last 12 months have been crap for everyone in all sorts of ways but mine over the last couple of months has been ridiculously filled with depression and pain. There’s really no way to begin this that I can work out in my head properly but I’ll give it a try.

There have been by no means what “normal” people would consider a recent horrible tragedy in my life. Unless you consider the spiraling depression of mine as tragic. I had a fallout with the psych doctor I had been seeing. Basically, she told me that there’s no way the pandemic could’ve been a reason for my relapse of clinical depression. Quote: “If that were the case then everyone would have clinical depression”. I was so depressed after that conversation and even more that was said in the session I greatly considered my life of no value and anxiously thought about just killing myself. I even wrote her a message stating how I felt about what she said and never received a response. Luckily, my GP offered to take over my psych meds treatment. So I somehow got past that and finally decided I needed to see a psychologist/therapist desperately. For years therapy has been unsuccessful for me. The current person I see is much easier to talk to and it’s just a better situation that I’ve tried sticking out.

The thing is, for weeks I’ve been spiraling and my memory issues only make it worse because I never remember the things to try to help me in those moments. I was diagnosed with a memory/cognition disorder and it’s been so difficult for a while. I most definitely have an attention disorder as well that I battle. Neuropsych testing did show me my strengths and pointed out my trouble. Mentally I’d say I’m pretty far down and have been for a while. I spoke with the therapist last week because I felt incredibly suicidal. To be more precise it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. This time. In the past it was always impulsive as well as my reaction to those thoughts. I learned yesterday that I am definitely willing to be impulsive in the moment if I have the access/means. I told my therapist Friday that I was worried about where my head was going. Blips of sanity hit and remind me this isn’t normal. These thoughts aren’t right or good. It’s easier and easier everyday to ignore those blips if they even show up.

I got to the beginning of the bridge, paused feeling accomplished that I had it in me to get there simply by walking and decided to send a message to someone close to me.

The facts are simple. I got there, walked there and I changed direction 3 times before deciding to. I tried to just go for a walk to clear my mind and distract. To enjoy the outdoors for a bit but that just didn’t happen. There was only really one reason I turned around. The person I messaged was too upset about the circumstance to respond the way I needed. I felt helpless and hopeless.

People in their yards, mowing their lawns and driving by me who had no idea I was struggling. We’re all bottled up in our own worlds to notice others.

As I walked back towards home with tears I realized that I have no future, no value, no worth, my life is pointless and has become meaningless. Sure I continue to set up appointments and I continue the routine in my life but I’m numb to it. I just don’t care anymore. I know that now. The world including my personal slice of it will never change for the better. I’ll never feel I have value and I’ll only ever be missed by a few when it’s my time to leave. Do I continue to just wait? I’ve never enjoyed being alive for more than maybe a day in my entire life. Now at the age of 41 I wonder how I could ever last another 40 years should no health issues shorten that or a freak accident.

I don’t think I can go through more. I don’t want to go through anything more. God forgive me for hating my life so much but I just can’t. I’ve not been eating much and I can’t sleep more than a few hours in the afternoons. There is nothing in front of me. Only time. I’m so tired. Tired of hoping I’ll receive the love I want, need and deserve. Tired of hoping some great positive change is coming. Tired of feeling alone. I don’t want help to just trudge through this muddy life. I don’t want to drag my feet and be weighed down by my messed up brain for the next 40 years.

I’m just over it all. I’ve failed at everything in life I’ve sought to achieve.

It takes a little under 3 seconds; that’s all.

I’m so over dealing with myself. I can’t imagine what people I know feel about me.

Truth of Isolation

My brain is its worst enemy and when I’m alone, I shouldn’t be left alone.

For those of us with chronic illness/mental illness isolation is not a new situation, it isn’t foreign or new. Unfortunately this is something we’re accustomed to and probably a huge reason we are depressed and feel lost. It’s a sense of loneliness that not many understand. We’re told to brave it, go out and force ourselves to behave like the world behaves but it’s not that simple. Now in this pandemic some people are experiencing the loneliness we with chronic illness understand all too much. The spotlight is on, shining straight onto the truth of isolation and fear.

We fear death, pain, depression, anxiety, fear itself and our own bodies. We die a little inside when we have to say no, die a little when we have to deal with pain and die a little each time we’ve survived a night of intrusive thoughts. We survived that night but another piece is gone. I personally feel my brain losing a little bit here and there each time I pass another episode. From someone who has mental and physical pain I can say they’re different but so very much the same. Feeling different and not being understood nor having our choices understood leads to the lonely isolation. Lighting yourself on fire to some people is better than suffering through the constant agony of the daily pain.

We’ll never know why others choose to not understand and maybe they just can’t. I can say the amnesia will set in after this pandemic is over and once again those isolated will be misunderstood. They’ll be told to stop being so afraid, stop crying over their pain and push through it. We have never learned from history and it will continue to be this way until the world is over. It will end, no doubt about that, we just don’t know when.

To those protesting their isolation; you can’t force the pandemic to end, it has to run its course like everything else in life. We have to take care of ourselves and each other for it to end. I will ask you a rhetorical question. It doesn’t feel good to be forced to feel isolation, to be forced to be unable to work, to be forced to endure depression or anxiety, – does it? Your protests state that plainly. This is our life and no matter what we must endure it every day until we die. You have this temporarily but this is every day life for the broken.

Stay Safe and Stay Well,

Surviving The Foreign

I thought now would be a good time to let loose the thoughts in my head during the whole spreading of this virus and being in isolation. I can say with insight in mind that mental health is important and those who weren’t sick before this and are susceptible to mental illness are probably going to be triggered, especially with the loss of so many American jobs. Even those “normal” people are going to break. Suicides will rise, attempts will rise, addictions will begin or increase and with everything going on I’m triggered into my own desperation. I feel as if the world is ending and if it is I’d rather it just finish. I feel as if I’m being tortured and the fear mongering from news outlets doesn’t help. It just causes more panic when they tell you information that you can’t do anything about. Helplessness feeds hopelessness.

I feel anxiety everyday. I am agitated like I could run and run to get away from everything but it’s never ending. It’s an endless dark tunnel and I feel death all around me. I feel fear, shame, pride, love, pain and sadness at once. I share a lot of the same fears “normal” people have as well. There are days I’m terrified I’ll die alone without my husband nearby and days I want to die. The Covid-19 virus has definitely put the fear of God in me more than it was before and I wasn’t sure that was possible. I’m terrified at the thought of slowly drowning on my own fluids in my lungs. Not the way I’d choose to go to be honest.

I don’t want to reiterate things already mentioned that we all should be doing to protect ourselves because I want people to also focus on their mental health. I will say to you that I am struggling. I am what they consider a “vulnerable” adult due to a compromised immune system. I have parents in their 60’s. Life is nothing but fear and my reality is fear. So many times over the years I’ve wanted to die. I’ve been on this earth for 4 decades and I feel like I still don’t know anything. I thought briefly in my 30’s I had this sh*t figured out only to find out at 40 I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I still don’t know what’s going on.

I read the bible for some comfort and it helps but my mind is strong; in a negative way strong. I beat myself up inside and never give myself an opportunity to be an exception to anything. I feel like I’m screaming and pulling my hair out but in reality I’m sitting staring at this computer screen and typing. I could be sitting in a chair rocking from these thoughts I have. I could be totally far gone but I still somehow move through my life as if I’m mostly normal. At least that’s how I think it appears. I don’t feel understood by most people and I can only handle so much before I explode. Medication has truly helped me from reaching that point but inside my head it still happens and I do everything I can to try and stop the rage in my mind. I cut myself, I take medicine and I write. I think of all the what-ifs and the whens. I wonder the ramifications of suicide on my eternity with God and those I love. I feel like I could explode with this anxiety, fear and sadness in my mind. You can’t run and you can’t hide from this. It’s not something you can get away from. It’s infected the world and we have to try and survive.

Honestly, I don’t know what else to say. I can’t describe my emotions and what’s going on in my head right now properly. I feel that’s probably common for people right now. Those of us sick have to find a way to get through this when we suffer so much on normal occasions. How do we maneuver through this crisis? We already have to survive things we can’t control in our heads and now something foreign threatens any progress we’ve made. Don’t let it win. Don’t let the fear and helplessness win. Don’t let the hopelessness win. Survive with me. Fight with me.

God help us all.
Be safe, be well

I Need Some Good News

K. Flay has sang it right. Find it here: https://youtu.be/j8ejCU5Sxeo

I’m trying hard to fight for what’s right with my little family. I’ve always been an incredible, tenacious and determined wife and mother. I just keep getting beat down and I’m getting too tired from the stress. It makes me want to accept the inevitable, but the fighter in me says “Hell no, you aren’t giving up on this.” My husband is still in Australia and we are still here. God knows I’ve prayed a million times about our situation. I don’t understand the reasoning for us to live this way. The world is quickly changing and not for the better. I want a chance to have a good life with Andrew.

Then there is all this mass shooting chaos, sure it’s happened over the years but it feels like it’s increasing exponentially. You can’t trust strangers at all, including neighbors. We all want to feel safe and having my loved ones in my life gives me a little comfort, but we’re all separated. Living where we are gives me more help regarding my health but it comes with the loss of my relationships with my two brothers, their wives and my parents. My niece and nephew don’t even know me. After all, I’m the black sheep and they don’t understand me.

So I sit here, back from my vacation, visiting family for my daughter’s 21st birthday. I tend to feel guilty about the type of mom I am; I simply can’t do so many things as a mom. Being chronically ill, so many things are pushed aside. I sought familial help in getting my husband here permanently and I was not surprised when no one would offer it. I’m the black sheep. I’m the crazy, sick one. I wonder if my failed previous marriage is seen by them as entirely my fault.

I don’t want to get more sick and possibly die all alone. I’ll never get the kidney I need one day because the only person that offered was my husband, who doesn’t live with me right now. I don’t think I could do the dialysis, to be honest. That all means forfeiting and dying. Apparently my estimate is ten years until I need dialysis as long as nothing goes bad beforehand. I feel like my mental illness contributed to my kidney failure, the past behavior over the years. I’ve no one to blame other than myself. I feel like no one has trust in me and maybe they shouldn’t, I don’t know.

So, my family won’t help. I have no friends and my body is falling apart before I’m 40. I feel worthless. How did I get here? Where is my life headed? I get scared sometimes about dying and other times I welcome the thoughts.

Dear God, I just want my little family together. Permanently. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I don’t want life as it is in this current world. What have we all done? I miss my family as well as my sister who didn’t make it past 23. I feel so isolated, lost and disappointed. I feel ashamed of past decisions and I feel so guilty. I ruined my life. I’m taking others down with me and I’m ashamed. I can’t fix anything regarding everything.

I’m sitting in a dark room where I can’t see myself. I can only see my thoughts and dreams which aren’t the best. I’m alone, lonely and ready for it all to be over. I’m sure the day will come sooner than I think; so far I have an estimated 10 years before shit starts hitting the fan. That doesn’t give me enough time to sleep next to my husband, to make his lunch for work, to snuggle and lay my head on his chest again to hear his heart beat. I want to make him coffee in the morning. I love him so much; he is an amazing man.

Thank God for medication, otherwise I’d be dead.