Hello, will it all be okay?

It’s been 8 months since I did an entry. There isn’t one specific reason. It just happened that way. My daughter received her acceptance letters and is starting college in less than a week. I’m so proud of her. I know how difficult this has been and will be for her. I do worry about her, especially because she is so strong for everyone else and like me, maybe not as strong for herself. It’s a battle to live being this way. Even if you make it obvious about your inner strength people don’t take it serious enough when you need them to. It’s painful and lonely and eventually gets to you.

I don’t sleep. When I saw my husband recently for the first time in a few years life wasn’t as difficult. Life had more hope and purpose. I feel like a failure to everyone most days but not so many when I’m in his arms. When he’s here I feel safe from others and from myself. When he’s with me I’m not as afraid. My brain just can’t accept things the way they are. It hurts too much.

I just want to walk away. Run away. I feel like my heart is bleeding out. The night comes and swallows any shred of hope I might have. There is no way out of this madness. It consumes me. In the mirror I see my eyes go greener and tears reflect from the light. I can’t hide from myself. I can’t hide from the panic in my mind when it overflows with thoughts. Thoughts of desire, being crushed by life, feeling the mistakes I’ve made in life over and over. I see it in my eyes, feel it in my chest and want nothing more than to silence myself. My thoughts streaming from childhood until now. Wondering if I was ever truly loved by anyone. Confused over abandonment and desertion. I’m alone. I recently realized that is not just a “maybe” I’m alone, it’s an I AM ALONE. It’s excusable by others for the choices I have made in life. My attempts are always fruitless because I’m different. Maybe I deserve to be let go. After all, I don’t see any worth left in me why should anyone else?

The secrets I hold in my mind, on my journal pages, and the walls of my room are enough to sink any ship. I’ve never had the one thing I want out of this world. I think I’m not going to. I’m not sure if I see reality too well or my mind has twisted everything. Life takes and takes from me. What’s going to happen when I run out of pieces to lose? Maybe I am out of pieces. Maybe life has sucked everything out of me but my breath. Honestly, I’m grabbing upwards hanging from the edge of a cliff and there’s nothing to grasp. The night will be back, it always is. The depression always returns. It’s never gone forever, at least while you’re breathing. It’s overpowering and suffocating. It’s a losing battle for me.

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Recycling Hopelessness

The new year is right around the corner and I’ve no hope today. I can’t think clearly or feel comfortable in any way. More than anything I just want to be rescued. I want that little girl’s dream of being cuddled and taken care of as a woman. I want someone to stand in front of me when a stranger is trying to hurt me. I want so much inside that I have spent my life trying to find all of it and getting hurt in the process. Why does loneliness exist? Why can’t I be comfortable with just myself? Why does everything feel like knives stabbing into me? Why does sleep and my mind torture me? Questions with no answers.

I’m tired, God knows that above all. My pain joins hands as if they’re teaming up to destroy me. I’m sure they realize they’re breaking me down. My brain’s switch is on self-sabotage. A never ending spiral of self-destruction.  My mind is twisted and not a single rational thought is allowed to enter at the moment.

Is this all foreshadowing? Is this really how my life is going to be or will I die before 40? I’ve two years to learn; yes, learn. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I don’t want to feel my pain while I dream in sleep. For the first time I touched my face and felt tears but didn’t realize I was crying. My body knows it’s hurting, my brain knows it’s hurting and I want nothing more than to be able to stop thinking, feeling and dreaming. Only one viable solution when these things happen; yet one question- what do I do? There’s no getting away from the pain, memories and thoughts.

I’m tired. I’m hurting. Please stop doing this to me. Someone please save me.
Katie  -*Komodolover*

Sing Me a Song of Truth

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Unending darkness. Where has all the light gone? God please put me out of this pain. 5 months have been thrown out of my window. I thought, rather hoped, that I’d regain my strength. Instead I find myself beat. I find myself slipping, falling, no one reaching for me, into the hole designed for a grave. Not enough medication to take this all away. Not enough words or support if they existed. God save.

Everyone’s unforgiving. Nobody’s listening. Medicate to sleep. Medicate to stop all the pain. Stress induced lack of eating. You’ve annihilated me, you’ve destroyed my heart and you’ve destroyed my hope. So easy to destroy a person.

She’s all gone; it’s all gone. Devotion goes until the abuse continues. So before complete destruction, trauma winning in collaboration, her brain screams- transforming to an outer verbal scream that seems endless. Hopeless and lost, she feels. There’s no recovery in the end; the people and the world just walk away. No one cares about anyone anymore. They cause trauma and walk away because they can move on. The survivor picks up the pieces and most times never recovers. You’ve damaged a human being. It’s killing her yet she continues to do what’s expected of her. Why? I can’t answer that.

Klonopin can be such a rescue in various ways. Yet also a solution in the toughest of tough times. When you are hopeless and have no one to go to. Yes. It’s time. To sleep.

Kaytee (aka) Komodolover

*Katie*

Rx: Life -Take with Medicine

So there is no cure for Ankylosing Spondylitis, nor depression, anxiety, bipolar, fibromyalgia or Multiple Sclerosis. None for almost any autoimmune diseases I can think of. I’ve been told it’s something rampant in my family and that I must deal with it. That it explains every issue I face. I carry one of the genes associated with MS. Unfortunately, I did pass that to my daughter who now has MS. We are very lucky in that so far hers is more RIS (Radiologically Isolated Syndrome). She is being treated with injections done 3x per week. I think as of this point in my life I’m dealing with a new denial. Denial that I am dealing with worse symptoms and that my mind doesn’t function as magnificently as it used to. I know it doesn’t but I keep trying to push my limits. That’s not always a bad thing until I get stressed and it makes everything worse in my body. I live in worsening guilt everyday as a mother in that every choice I’ve made was wrong and damaging somehow.

In my mind I am sitting in a chair in an empty room and staring into the dark corner. I have nothing I can face; not even myself with a mirror. In fact the hardest thing I could do right now IS look into a mirror. I only deal with the random thoughts that pass by in record time. Flashing before my eyes in a speed that no one else would figure out what each image means. It’s impossible to remember some things yet hard to forget a lot.

I began to accept myself, who I’ve become and the choices I made in my life around my early 30’s but I am now in my late 30’s and I find myself more confused. I was given a beautiful moment of clarity and it’s being ripped out from under my feet. Accepting I have an illness is one thing but accepting that I’m progressing in that illness is just as difficult. Chronic pain is always there but the flares just worsen; it’s an inevitability that I’m finding hard to come to terms with. I knew from the beginning there was no cure for any of the situations I am dealing with but in my mind there was always hope. I think that’s a natural part of being human. It’s the same as a will to live buried inside instinctively. I don’t think that is lost even taking a last breath from suicide. I really think it’s pure instinctual for humans. An example might be when you have eaten something bad; your body retches and vomits to save you in what way it can because your anatomy knows “this is bad! I must get rid of this to survive!” Please don’t misunderstand, I do understand the feeling of wanting to die. I have been there and I have almost succeeded. No matter how hopeless I was, my body was still fighting. No matter how much I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up panic set in. I still think I should die but today I’m too lost to even go anywhere with that.

My episodes of depression seem to be lengthening to where probably 10 months out of a year I can’t even feel content. It’s also not so up and down and scattered. It’s a longer duration of mental anguish, regret, fear, loss, despondency and unrelenting painful sadness. ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) did get me through some rough months but my short term memory was/is awful. I still repeat things to loved ones that I’ve told them on multiple other occasions. They get angry at me and say, you’ve already told me. I haven’t had ECT since 2013 or 2014. I honestly don’t remember the last ones. If I combine my already bad memory with episodes of consistent Fibro fog I can get lost to the point I am full of confusion.

As for worsening pain and mental illness or maybe it can be called a “change” in my illness, I discover more about myself and the way my body is responding. For reasons unknown and incidentally, a nodule was found on my thyroid. I’ve been told incidental findings are usually how a patient and their doctor learn of an existing nodule. A follow-up ultrasound has shown, since that one was found in 2015, that I now have several. I do have autoimmune thyroiditis and these nodules are smaller than recognized needing biopsy. So I pay attention to any possible hyper or hypo thyroid symptoms and try to ignore the fact they’re there. It’s not hard to ignore really, especially with my memory, but this is where I get into trouble. My doctors and I count on my memory to aid in new treatments and to refer to past treatments for my health issues. So many times I’ve recalled something and it was off by a few years or several months. Even recalling numbers of weeks is difficult. Remembering any reasons for stopping or starting a treatment are long gone.

I feel like there is no time, at least in a measured sense with days and months. Everyday is an extension of the previous with a nap between. For me the day is one long existence. I can’t remember or realize what day it is until I look that morning. I want so badly to live in a numb physical and mental realm. That reminds me about a time probably over a year ago that I had a huge breakdown of tears. I couldn’t stop no matter how much I tried, yet it felt wonderful to get it out. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not one to cry. If I am crying then it must be bad. It may not be bad for another person but for me whatever it is I’m upset about, it’s awful and intolerable. Sure it felt good then but spending that way day after day with or without tears is a lonely life. No one wants to be around me after awhile. Everyone I love gets tired of me saying I’m hurting, I’m sad, I’m in pain and I’m tired. Tired meaning- done with everything. I don’t think I’ve used the word “tired” as in, just worn out and need sleep, ever in my adult life. For me it’s always meant- this is my breaking point; if I died it would be a blessing. I can’t deal with anything anymore including my own thoughts. For physical tiredness I use “exhaustion” or “fatigued”. To me these definitions are better suited for my own body. Problem is, saying “I’m tired” has become the standard “how are you?” circumstance. No one pays attention to what I really mean nor want the real answer to “how are you?” It’s become a repeated robotic answer to say “I’m fine”. Can you actually remember every time you’ve been asked? I can’t and the times I was really struggling? I would have given anything to be truthful and have the other person not leave me until I was okay. People asking and not wanting to stick around for the real answer are why I (and everyone) began repeating the lie saying “I’m okay” or “good”.

So to everyone, I’m okay, I’m fine and I’m good. That’s what you want to hear isn’t it?
Sincerely,
KatieB