I felt okay. I was okay but I knew it wouldn’t last. Self-deception I don’t know. Did I cause the bad feelings to come back? Maybe. I don’t really care how I ended up here again. I’m just here, again.
I did some ink sketching today of a fox. I think it looks okay so far. It was comforting to focus on for a bit and then I fell asleep exhausted on the couch. I just started thinking again today about my situation in life and how everything in my life has turned out the opposite of how it was heading and supposed to turn out. I blame myself but I also blame my parents for not enough support when I was going through a lot. I mean they knew, at least one of them did about my suicidal ideation and depression that started. Part of me doesn’t blame their lack of reaction however. I understand as a parent myself how stressful it is raising a child and how you don’t want to believe things are that bad for your child and the intense fear for your child. I did try to be different in that when raising my daughter. I wanted her to come to me before things got so horrible if they ever were. I didn’t want her to feel as alone as I always felt. As alone as I feel.
I do understand how difficult life is as an adult and how hard relationships and marriage are so I get it. It’s not easy being alive. No one can ever do it perfect including there being no perfect parents out there. I just wish I hadn’t made as many mistakes as I have in life. I wish I had the help I needed so I could’ve possibly had the career I strived and desired to have. I was the smart, hardworking and studying one. The kid parents supposedly brag to their friends about.
I secretly hope at night when I’m lost in thought that something will occur and I can say goodbye to this awful world and other times I fear that happening. Though it’s more rare for me to fear it. I feel so very alone and like I don’t have support. I don’t have anyone close in my life that I can really go to. When struggling mentally I can only reach out to strangers or people that get paid to help me. I ask for help from my parents now and they still don’t know how to help. I never see my family anyhow so I don’t know why I would think they could help. I’ve never had a close relationship with my siblings to discuss things with them either. We’re close but we’re not. My sister was nonverbal and developmentally disabled so if anything I helped care for her and my brothers, well, they’re just my brothers. I care a ton about them but we’ve never discussed feelings. No one in the family does. I guess that’s why I feel so alone now and why I did all my life. They never visit. They have way easier means to do so but they have careers and families too. They’ve done everything I was supposed to in life. Aside from my sister who was killed at 23; she never had a chance.
And here I sit, 1:30 in the morning having let another day go by without any accomplishment. At my age life should be so very different. I lie here hoping for the end of everything but the sun will still rise in several hours and life will continue on. There’s nothing I can do about my life and the direction it’s still headed.
I read a story online today about a supernova of some kind that has been barreling through the Milky Way in the opposite direction of all stars and space material at 2 million mph. This was what they think was part of a twin star system or something and is some portion of an explosion that’s been just traveling all this time from the collision. I feel like that’s my life. A collision/event happened and I’ve been sent hurling the complete wrong direction of everyone else in the world and there’s nothing I can do to slow down or stop what’s happening. This poor star has just been going the wrong way for millions of years with no end. I feel that helplessness. I feel the hopelessness that occurs from a situation like that.
I say I’m fine but I’m struggling. I fool myself into thinking I’m okay but I’m not.