Truth of Isolation

My brain is its worst enemy and when I’m alone, I shouldn’t be left alone.

For those of us with chronic illness/mental illness isolation is not a new situation, it isn’t foreign or new. Unfortunately this is something we’re accustomed to and probably a huge reason we are depressed and feel lost. It’s a sense of loneliness that not many understand. We’re told to brave it, go out and force ourselves to behave like the world behaves but it’s not that simple. Now in this pandemic some people are experiencing the loneliness we with chronic illness understand all too much. The spotlight is on, shining straight onto the truth of isolation and fear.

We fear death, pain, depression, anxiety, fear itself and our own bodies. We die a little inside when we have to say no, die a little when we have to deal with pain and die a little each time we’ve survived a night of intrusive thoughts. We survived that night but another piece is gone. I personally feel my brain losing a little bit here and there each time I pass another episode. From someone who has mental and physical pain I can say they’re different but so very much the same. Feeling different and not being understood nor having our choices understood leads to the lonely isolation. Lighting yourself on fire to some people is better than suffering through the constant agony of the daily pain.

We’ll never know why others choose to not understand and maybe they just can’t. I can say the amnesia will set in after this pandemic is over and once again those isolated will be misunderstood. They’ll be told to stop being so afraid, stop crying over their pain and push through it. We have never learned from history and it will continue to be this way until the world is over. It will end, no doubt about that, we just don’t know when.

To those protesting their isolation; you can’t force the pandemic to end, it has to run its course like everything else in life. We have to take care of ourselves and each other for it to end. I will ask you a rhetorical question. It doesn’t feel good to be forced to feel isolation, to be forced to be unable to work, to be forced to endure depression or anxiety, – does it? Your protests state that plainly. This is our life and no matter what we must endure it every day until we die. You have this temporarily but this is every day life for the broken.

Stay Safe and Stay Well,
Katie

Surviving The Foreign

I thought now would be a good time to let loose the thoughts in my head during the whole spreading of this virus and being in isolation. I can say with insight in mind that mental health is important and those who weren’t sick before this and are susceptible to mental illness are probably going to be triggered, especially with the loss of so many American jobs. Even those “normal” people are going to break. Suicides will rise, attempts will rise, addictions will begin or increase and with everything going on I’m triggered into my own desperation. I feel as if the world is ending and if it is I’d rather it just finish. I feel as if I’m being tortured and the fear mongering from news outlets doesn’t help. It just causes more panic when they tell you information that you can’t do anything about. Helplessness feeds hopelessness.

I feel anxiety everyday. I am agitated like I could run and run to get away from everything but it’s never ending. It’s an endless dark tunnel and I feel death all around me. I feel fear, shame, pride, love, pain and sadness at once. I share a lot of the same fears “normal” people have as well. There are days I’m terrified I’ll die alone without my husband nearby and days I want to die. The Covid-19 virus has definitely put the fear of God in me more than it was before and I wasn’t sure that was possible. I’m terrified at the thought of slowly drowning on my own fluids in my lungs. Not the way I’d choose to go to be honest.

I don’t want to reiterate things already mentioned that we all should be doing to protect ourselves because I want people to also focus on their mental health. I will say to you that I am struggling. I am what they consider a “vulnerable” adult due to a compromised immune system. I have parents in their 60’s. Life is nothing but fear and my reality is fear. So many times over the years I’ve wanted to die. I’ve been on this earth for 4 decades and I feel like I still don’t know anything. I thought briefly in my 30’s I had this sh*t figured out only to find out at 40 I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I still don’t know what’s going on.

I read the bible for some comfort and it helps but my mind is strong; in a negative way strong. I beat myself up inside and never give myself an opportunity to be an exception to anything. I feel like I’m screaming and pulling my hair out but in reality I’m sitting staring at this computer screen and typing. I could be sitting in a chair rocking from these thoughts I have. I could be totally far gone but I still somehow move through my life as if I’m mostly normal. At least that’s how I think it appears. I don’t feel understood by most people and I can only handle so much before I explode. Medication has truly helped me from reaching that point but inside my head it still happens and I do everything I can to try and stop the rage in my mind. I cut myself, I take medicine and I write. I think of all the what-ifs and the whens. I wonder the ramifications of suicide on my eternity with God and those I love. I feel like I could explode with this anxiety, fear and sadness in my mind. You can’t run and you can’t hide from this. It’s not something you can get away from. It’s infected the world and we have to try and survive.

Honestly, I don’t know what else to say. I can’t describe my emotions and what’s going on in my head right now properly. I feel that’s probably common for people right now. Those of us sick have to find a way to get through this when we suffer so much on normal occasions. How do we maneuver through this crisis? We already have to survive things we can’t control in our heads and now something foreign threatens any progress we’ve made. Don’t let it win. Don’t let the fear and helplessness win. Don’t let the hopelessness win. Survive with me. Fight with me.

God help us all.
Be safe, be well
~Katie~

I Need Some Good News

K. Flay has sang it right. Find it here: https://youtu.be/j8ejCU5Sxeo

I’m trying hard to fight for what’s right with my little family. I’ve always been an incredible, tenacious and determined wife and mother. I just keep getting beat down and I’m getting too tired from the stress. It makes me want to accept the inevitable, but the fighter in me says “Hell no, you aren’t giving up on this.” My husband is still in Australia and we are still here. God knows I’ve prayed a million times about our situation. I don’t understand the reasoning for us to live this way. The world is quickly changing and not for the better. I want a chance to have a good life with Andrew.

Then there is all this mass shooting chaos, sure it’s happened over the years but it feels like it’s increasing exponentially. You can’t trust strangers at all, including neighbors. We all want to feel safe and having my loved ones in my life gives me a little comfort, but we’re all separated. Living where we are gives me more help regarding my health but it comes with the loss of my relationships with my two brothers, their wives and my parents. My niece and nephew don’t even know me. After all, I’m the black sheep and they don’t understand me.

So I sit here, back from my vacation, visiting family for my daughter’s 21st birthday. I tend to feel guilty about the type of mom I am; I simply can’t do so many things as a mom. Being chronically ill, so many things are pushed aside. I sought familial help in getting my husband here permanently and I was not surprised when no one would offer it. I’m the black sheep. I’m the crazy, sick one. I wonder if my failed previous marriage is seen by them as entirely my fault.

I don’t want to get more sick and possibly die all alone. I’ll never get the kidney I need one day because the only person that offered was my husband, who doesn’t live with me right now. I don’t think I could do the dialysis, to be honest. That all means forfeiting and dying. Apparently my estimate is ten years until I need dialysis as long as nothing goes bad beforehand. I feel like my mental illness contributed to my kidney failure, the past behavior over the years. I’ve no one to blame other than myself. I feel like no one has trust in me and maybe they shouldn’t, I don’t know.

So, my family won’t help. I have no friends and my body is falling apart before I’m 40. I feel worthless. How did I get here? Where is my life headed? I get scared sometimes about dying and other times I welcome the thoughts.

Dear God, I just want my little family together. Permanently. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I don’t want life as it is in this current world. What have we all done? I miss my family as well as my sister who didn’t make it past 23. I feel so isolated, lost and disappointed. I feel ashamed of past decisions and I feel so guilty. I ruined my life. I’m taking others down with me and I’m ashamed. I can’t fix anything regarding everything.

I’m sitting in a dark room where I can’t see myself. I can only see my thoughts and dreams which aren’t the best. I’m alone, lonely and ready for it all to be over. I’m sure the day will come sooner than I think; so far I have an estimated 10 years before shit starts hitting the fan. That doesn’t give me enough time to sleep next to my husband, to make his lunch for work, to snuggle and lay my head on his chest again to hear his heart beat. I want to make him coffee in the morning. I love him so much; he is an amazing man.

Thank God for medication, otherwise I’d be dead.

Screw/s Loose

I have been debating about writing again for several days now but with the mental shape I’m in, maybe it will do some good. I spent the end of last year– Christmas, in fact– learning the decision the tribunal made regarding approving visas to stay with my husband. We were denied. My daughter having MS required solid proof that they would not have to cover any of her medical expenses. They calculate by age and average life span associated with multiple sclerosis. In my opinion, there’s not a way to do it close to accurately but they have their “information”. She was listed as costing approx $950,000 and not in US dollars. Truthfully, the case had gone on for so long that our medical assessments would have had to be done again a few hours away in Minnesota. At this time they would most likely deny my visa as well. The migration company we hired tried but it was not a win. After the denial, the migration company was just as upset and spoke with Barristers which thought we could start over and fight again but winning would be a small chance. Because it was small, they said we would have to pay services for the help. Barristers are great at what they do and are paid handsomely. We just finished paying thousands to the migration company and my husband and I decided spending thousands more on a small chance just isn’t a good idea. We’re far from comfortable let alone rich.

The decision was made at the tribunal that blatantly stated me having bipolar disorder would mean I couldn’t help care for my daughter.

First off, my daughter does have MS and lesions on her brain. She was officially diagnosed at 16. She is high functioning. And who raised her until now?- ME!

We’ve spent months now just trying to survive living in two opposite places. Work has been hard for my husband due to the type of employment he has. I barely scrape by with my daughter in our place. My husband and I love one another so much but we’re not even able to spend time together including holidays or birthdays, including my daughter’s 21st next month. Our 5th anniversary is also about a week before her birthday. I think we’ve only spent 2 anniversaries together in a physical presence.

I hate my life every day and I spend nights trying to digest a situation I’m still in shock and denial over. There’s nowhere to go for help. I feel so terrible, even physically with my chronic, painful invisible diseases. I mean I really hate myself and my life. I always feel like a burden and I feel like I’m not allowed to kill myself because family doesn’t want me to. I don’t know if they understand where I am in my head. It’s an entire future of nothingness. I’m in stage 3b of CKD (chronic kidney disease) which does sometimes hurt badly. I don’t sleep much anymore and I’m always sad. I know for sure I’m the black sheep in my family. It really hurts when there are no phone calls or texts. Am I so different? I was purchased plane tickets to fly home for almost 2 weeks. It’s going to be an overwhelming, hyper-stimulation being around so many people and noise. I’d be lying if I said I was looking forward to it. Life itself is overwhelming. I miss my husband. My body, including mind, are dying at a rapid pace… and my family is oblivious to what we’ve been going through here.

I’m going to be without Andrew forever now because money is so valuable– more valuable than a human. I feel so terrible and all the medicines in the world aren’t enough to take away this pain and make it bearable.

So again I watched the sunrise. It’s almost 7 am and I still sit typing this hoping something kills me as a favor to end my depression, despondency, fear and loneliness. To end my pain before it’s worse. I feel that it’s a matter of time that I will succumb by my own hand. I need you Andrew. I love you so very much. You always have the patience for me and understand me. No one… no one ever has. No one has loved me enough. I don’t know that anyone has tried.

“Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd on Spotify plays in my ears.

Come home to us, please, somehow, because I live for you, Andrew. My heart aches, my stomach hurts, I can’t function and at night in the dark I try to dream of you when I can sleep. Lately, it’s all nightmares. You make them go away.

Love, Katie –komodolover–