I question everything. I question it all. I could spiral almost into an existential crisis and I’d still wonder the same things that I’ve pushed from my mind so many times for all the years I’ve been alive. I think about memories of my past and feel so much of it all over again by simple thought. What part of us stops being barbaric, a neanderthal mammal and leads us to be the empathetic, compassionate human beings some of us are?

I heard something today that said, “we can change our dreams at any time and begin new ones when others have ended or have been completed.” And I’m not sure when I started believing that once dreams are done, the major dreams and events I needed to accomplish in life were completed and my job was over- my life had no more meaning. I’m also not certain why it took me 40 some years to realize things are never ever what they seem; how physics may determine facts but besides physics there are electrical impulses that can bend and twist what we know as reality and fact. There is so much more to us than meat, flesh and bone. I think about how we’re literally tiny atoms floating incredibly close together to make our physical presence yet we are pure energy. We’re so electric that we don’t even think about that fact. We just accept it.

I’ve had such a long time to make the right choices in life but it’s nearly impossible to never make a wrong one, because we’re not flawless beings. Is it due to evolution and keeping the human race going by not being perfect? Or is it because we are portions of the being/s we are created by- something so much bigger and greater than us? So much larger that we’d never be able to comprehend even the idea of said things.

For now I will obsess over the sky, especially the stars and many constellations. I’ll marvel at all of this including galaxies we can’t visit but those which are so much brighter. A final dream of mine would be to travel to the event horizon and cross it but my brain also desires an even bigger, bolder, destination or two and yet there are such tiny small realistic requests.

I’ve learned things from every failed relationship and failed friendship in my life but I don’t deserve full credit because sometimes it takes someone who knows you better than you know yourself to open your eyes. And to move forward. Because life is hard. Living is hard. And I’ll forever question everything. Including questioning others motives and decisions. One day I’ll receive the answers or I’ll die not knowing any answers. If there is nothing after death I’ll never know and maybe that would mean the answers are pointless as are the questions. Or the alternative being that after death we become truly free and are filled with the entire universe’s secrets revealed.

I could drown in knowledge and my death would stay meaningless to others but I’m hoping the secret is; that it’s not. I’m hoping that there really is an entirely separate world or realm where I’m filled with knowledge, there’s no more pain or sadness there, and I finally learn to play guitar. We need the secret to be that there’s more.

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My Long overdue Update

I’ve fallen in love with the most wonderful human being God ever created. Life with him has turned out to be everything I’ve always wanted and more. It took so long to find him but I’m so very glad I have. We met during the Spring, almost summer and I truly felt different in so many ways- but all good ways! When I struggled his home became my safe place. I could show up and just forget the world for a while. I still can simply forget the world every now and then when I’m with him. It really is more when I’m alone that the world creeps back into my head and causes me to feel overwhelming sadness and pain.

It’s that time of year again. Yes, it’s the holidays but it’s also the time a lot of awful things were done to me in life. It’s also the time I start to ache and miss loved ones that were taken away too soon. I miss my sister’s smile, joy and laughter. I miss my mom’s husband; his stoicism and his humor. He was a hero you know. A humble one. Not only did he serve his country but he once saved a baby from a fire and was given an honor for it. He told me one time that if I was struggling again and needed to talk that I could always go to him. He was always a quiet man but cared so much for my mom, my sister and me. He didn’t deserve a lot of the bad things including the cancer that made him so sick and caused much pain his last few years. Even though we didn’t sit and talk I always felt he loved us all. He especially loved my mom so much. For years he stayed in her life because he cared so much and one day he was finally able to show her. He worked hard and always came home to my mom. He was the ship that kept my mom afloat during any storm. He kept her moving through the tragedy of my sister’s death at 23. And now, now life is so very different for all of us still here.

I feel like the older I get the harder life is to handle. The people who are so important begin to move on to whatever is beyond this life and I begin to feel left behind and alone. All I have are the memories I made with them. -And that always reminds me just how very important each moment is with those I care about. Whether it’s a ride in the car to pick up groceries or laughing over a stupid video online. The smile, the sound of our laughter, the twinkle in their eye when they’re happy are all so very precious to me. When I look into Shawn’s eyes and see that spark it fills me up with so much warmth. When I see him give a big smile before he laughs it fills me with joy and he just gets more and more appealing and attractive. We never like being apart even if it’s for several hours. We simply adore one another’s company- even when no words are being said. I crave being in his arms all of the time and I feel inside that he feels the same way about me. Every positive emotion that I can possibly feel as a human I have felt from the first moments we were together. My life is far from perfect but he helps me forget about the bad things in this world. Some days it’s a serious struggle for him to, let alone anyone else, snap me out of the pain and depression in my head. Lately, intrusive thoughts have been barging their way into my head. I have nightmares, cry in my sleep, and I have moments where my depression tells me that dying is the answer to any pain. I’m always in a fight with my own mind and at least I have a compassionate and caring partner for life. If I need to talk he listens and sometimes listening is very scary to those who care about me.

He is the best friend I searched for. He is the man I searched for and I finally found him. It is an incredible, amazing experience just spending time in his presence and he has me, all of me. I love you so very much Shawn. I hope you can feel that all the time. You’re beautiful, handsome, and amazing from the inside out. I’ve been blessed.

When I met You

I’ve known you my whole life. I walked up to you, we began talking, the hours passed without notice and it’s as if we never had been apart in life. It was as if we picked up from some place we’d been together before. We met again in this life as if we had spent a previous one together. You showed me what real safety is in your arms. You showed me love, real love and everyday I can’t stop thinking about you. I wait through the hours until I know we can once again feel the energy of our souls together- pure electricity. Before you’ve seen or spoken to me you feel any sorrow I’m experiencing and immediately desire to do nothing other than help me smile again. Laugh again. And within 10 minutes I am, every time. I look at you in the eyes close up and see this amazing sparkle to them when you look into mine. You look purely happy and content. I’m so glad I can help you feel that way.

True Beauty, True Love, Actual Perfection

It’s truly amazing when you meet someone, know someone and feel entirely different than you ever have in your life. To the point that over and over again you want to only do for them. Not talking about your children because most would do anything for their kids without question. I’m speaking about someone you always want to touch, to be around, who makes you smile while you’re dead asleep to the world as you briefly open your eyes and see them, only to fall back asleep soundly. Listening to their heartbeat with your head on their chest. Every move you make and every waking thought is of them and you can feel love inside you expanding outwards like drinking cold water on a hot day or a warm cup of hot chocolate when you’re freezing and you feel it warm you from inside your chest and throat outwards across your body. The person you kiss and every kiss gives you butterflies and longing for it to never end. The little bits of selfish activities just vaporize and you only want to do for them, you want them to feel happiness at all times and you want them to never feel they aren’t appreciated and loved. You do literally anything your mind can think of to love them, help them and support them. Even more great is how it becomes a loving back and forth like pong with no one ever missing a hit. An endless rendition of positivity, love and support ricocheting back and forth. And when you’re together you lose hours because you’re so into being with them. The world becomes just you and the other. Forgetting anything and everything else happening in your personal life as well as across oceans. None of it matters in those moments.

I finally found what it really is like to meet a soulmate. I was fooling myself thinking at any time in the past I had been there. I can’t describe in words how different the feeling and connection are. It’s like we literally picked up right where we left off in some other time or multiverse. It’s pure comfort in his presence. Being able to do anything or nothing but being at ease in either when together. No pressure to achieve or not achieve something. Forgetting all the awful things outside your own little world. I can feel sad and if we aren’t together he just knows. It’s absolutely strange yet beautiful. We have never met in this life before now. It’s taken me so much heartache, loss, pain and an entire lifetime to find my connection and it’s truly amazing. I’m working so incredibly hard to fight the demons in my thoughts in order to just be. To just enjoy that I’ve found this. I fear I’ll get sicker and will have less time yet some days I have a hard time keeping going. Depression is a beast like that. You could be in pure ecstasy and happiness but one thought in your mind can completely sabotage it. For no reason whatsoever. I’m in fear often that I’ll lose him now that I’ve found him. By loss I mean death because I don’t feel he’ll ever disappear willingly. God don’t take this from me, please. I didn’t think I was capable of more love towards someone. I didn’t realize you could love even harder than I have before but it’s happened! It’s so foreign yet wonderful. I love every part; if he’s sweaty, or dirty or even needs a shower! I don’t care but instead love it! Everything is acceptable to me. Nothing bothers me! It’s insane. I can’t even make sense of most things. I just know I’m happy. No matter what with him I’m happy. There are things that make me sad and angry or afraid in life but NEVER is it him or with him. He makes me feel needed, wanted, loved, accepted, understood and safe. I feel like an important human, I feel like a cherished soul and woman.

It’s when we’re apart or I’m dealing with something outside of us that I struggle. Or when my depression decides to cause me to overthink or twists things that shouldn’t ever be analyzed in the first place. I have to learn to keep this part of me under better control as much as I’m able. I can see myself on the ledge of the bridge but if he was standing there I couldn’t jump. I couldn’t let him watch me do that and I couldn’t fathom seeing the pain in his eyes after seeing that twinkle, that light when he’s watching me each day. I couldn’t destroy him like that. I just really hope my depression doesn’t fool me when we’re apart. He’s amazing and he’s mine. It’s unbelievable he was meant for me and no one has seen his beauty before me. From inside his soul to his physical body he’s just beautiful. I die every second I’m not spending in his presence.