When

When I’m passionate,

Please see the fire in me.

When I’m dancing,

Please move with me.

When I’m happy,

Please be happy with me and for me.

When I can’t breathe,

Please be my air.

When I can’t sleep,

Please hold me.

When I seem lost,

Please help me find my way.

When I need you,

Please be there.

When I don’t understand,

Please teach me.

When I’m searching for the words,

Please help me seek.

When I’m scared,

Please be my hero.

When I lose direction,

Please point the way.

When I hurt,

Please hold my hand.

When I am powerless,

Please tell me it’s okay, that you got me.

When I cry,

Please pass the tissues. Please help wipe my tears.

When I’m bitter,

Please remind me I’m hurting, and that’s not me.

When I seem unlovable,

Please understand my struggle.

When I lose someone,

Please hug me.

When I’ve lost myself,

Please help me remember.

When I’ve lost my hope,

Please hold hope for me.

When I’m failing,

Please know I’m trying.

When I feel weak,

Please remind me of my strength.

When I want to die,

Please remind me of why I stay.

When I can’t keep going,

Please carry me.

When I need you to listen,

Please listen; not hear.

When I speak,

Please look into my eyes.

When I share music,

Please understand its significance to me..know I can’t find words.

When life feels heavy,

Please help me laugh.

When I can’t get out of bed,

Please lay with me.

When I’m afraid,

Please console me.

When I’m not listening,

Please keep trying.

When my end is near,

Please play music I love to hear.

When there are no more “whens”,

Please remember your importance to me. Please know I tried to be your “when” back then.

When I’m gone,

Please remember I live on through you.

-Kate

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I don’t recognize my life anymore. I don’t say anything because my parents would probably say be happy with what you have and everyone I kind of know on social media are all too busy sharing only the good parts of their lives. How could anyone understand? Years ago, I would just try to talk to anyone who might listen to get it off my chest, but now it seems there’s no one to listen and even when I begin to talk I realize it’s a waste of both our times for me to bother. So I can sit, stay quiet, lost in my own thoughts, and wonder why I keep moving forward. Why do I? I’m getting older, and I’m still waiting for anything. Anything that might change this disgusting hell we all live in.

I feel like I have nothing now. I can’t even keep myself going most days. I feel like I’m locked inside my bubble and have zero control about getting out. It’s all my doing that I’m in this deep. I can’t sit and create anything, and my Ketamine infusions are almost just an escape at this point. They worked but not long enough. And that’s because I go right back into the frying pan when I get back. I try to learn a whole different way of continuing afterward, and it sort of works. For a little while, anyway.

A couple of weeks ago, I pushed myself to just walk. I walked all over and probably was a couple of miles. I’m not positive, but I was in such intense physical pain for 3 days after that I wished I had walked into traffic like I had been considering that day. I don’t want to live like this. Not anymore. The problem is I have no way to change anything. I gave up my freedom. I gave up everything. But I got nothing in return, nor did I expect to until now. There’s just nothing anymore. A vast, dark, and empty existence. We are entirely alone. I am alone.

I’m traveling to the Mayo clinic in July as I was accepted for a second opinion on one of my conditions I was diagnosed with and it was stated that its from my kidney disease however I had to push 2 of my specialists to even help me figure things out. I have zero confidence in their ability now. I could have a tumor in my head, but it wouldn’t matter if I did. It would just explain a lot, maybe provide some validation but otherwise pointless. I don’t know if anything would change anything now. Why am I even bothering? Maybe because it distracts me a little. I don’t know, to be honest.

I used to love looking at the stars, and in fact, a few weeks ago, I saw a meteor falling in the sky. First, I’ve ever witnessed. It was half confusing and half beautiful, and I felt special being able to see it. My aunt died on Mother’s Day, and she was always close to me and my siblings growing up. She died so unfairly, but as I’ve learned, there is no fairness in this world, especially regarding suffering and death.

I’m tired, guys. So very tired. I try not to ask for much, and I ask for even less now. I’ve given all that I have and all that I am. There’s nothing left of me. I don’t know that I can come back from this. Not like I used to. Something recently broke inside me at some random point, and it’s unfixable. It can’t be talked over, and medication won’t make it disappear either. A long walk can’t fix it. I’m broken, and I’m tired of trying to fix what’s broken. I’m 100% a burden to every living thing on this planet, which includes my own self. If the self exists.

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I question everything. I question it all. I could spiral almost into an existential crisis and I’d still wonder the same things that I’ve pushed from my mind so many times for all the years I’ve been alive. I think about memories of my past and feel so much of it all over again by simple thought. What part of us stops being barbaric, a neanderthal mammal and leads us to be the empathetic, compassionate human beings some of us are?

I heard something today that said, “we can change our dreams at any time and begin new ones when others have ended or have been completed.” And I’m not sure when I started believing that once dreams are done, the major dreams and events I needed to accomplish in life were completed and my job was over- my life had no more meaning. I’m also not certain why it took me 40 some years to realize things are never ever what they seem; how physics may determine facts but besides physics there are electrical impulses that can bend and twist what we know as reality and fact. There is so much more to us than meat, flesh and bone. I think about how we’re literally tiny atoms floating incredibly close together to make our physical presence yet we are pure energy. We’re so electric that we don’t even think about that fact. We just accept it.

I’ve had such a long time to make the right choices in life but it’s nearly impossible to never make a wrong one, because we’re not flawless beings. Is it due to evolution and keeping the human race going by not being perfect? Or is it because we are portions of the being/s we are created by- something so much bigger and greater than us? So much larger that we’d never be able to comprehend even the idea of said things.

For now I will obsess over the sky, especially the stars and many constellations. I’ll marvel at all of this including galaxies we can’t visit but those which are so much brighter. A final dream of mine would be to travel to the event horizon and cross it but my brain also desires an even bigger, bolder, destination or two and yet there are such tiny small realistic requests.

I’ve learned things from every failed relationship and failed friendship in my life but I don’t deserve full credit because sometimes it takes someone who knows you better than you know yourself to open your eyes. And to move forward. Because life is hard. Living is hard. And I’ll forever question everything. Including questioning others motives and decisions. One day I’ll receive the answers or I’ll die not knowing any answers. If there is nothing after death I’ll never know and maybe that would mean the answers are pointless as are the questions. Or the alternative being that after death we become truly free and are filled with the entire universe’s secrets revealed.

I could drown in knowledge and my death would stay meaningless to others but I’m hoping the secret is; that it’s not. I’m hoping that there really is an entirely separate world or realm where I’m filled with knowledge, there’s no more pain or sadness there, and I finally learn to play guitar. We need the secret to be that there’s more.