I’m feeling so cold, my feet and toes have gone numb and I’m shivering
My body is shuddering from the cold and this pain. My fingers are wrinkled, pruned even. My skin feels like it’s going to simply fall off. It bleeds and swirls around me.
I don’t know what expression is on my face and though I can’t feel it I’m crying and my hoarse voice has turned to whimpers of unintelligible words. After my screaming for help wasn’t heard by a soul. Screams from the darkness inside me sent flying out into the air.
Air…. I wish I had more. Are my lungs still working?
I can’t keep going, it’s evident.
I can’t keep going. I’m going to die. Isn’t that what I wanted? “Kill yourself”, she had said. I didn’t want to be hurt because she was a stranger but she was a fellow human being. How could someone be so cruel? But it’s what I had wanted, something I’m not good at doing. But, in hindsight I’d begun doing just that.
I’m drowning. I’m not breathing enough.
I’m cold and alone with my darkness.
I don’t cry anymore. I don’t ask for help anymore. If there are people tired of me I’d invite them to see inside me..it’s exhausting.
It’s a slow decline to death for me. I admit my mistakes and all the choices that I messed up. And the ones I’m currently doing.
With my head back I take the biggest, slow, deep breath and gently release it out into the void around me. Fireflies dancing in the sky are what I’m focusing my eyes on, praying for forgiveness and begging to make it through Orion.
I’m waiting. Right here but I’m only waiting on myself. No outside force can stop it all. My body is broken.
It’s been 8 months since I did an entry. There isn’t one specific reason. It just happened that way. My daughter received her acceptance letters and is starting college in less than a week. I’m so proud of her. I know how difficult this has been and will be for her. I do worry about her, especially because she is so strong for everyone else and like me, maybe not as strong for herself. It’s a battle to live being this way. Even if you make it obvious about your inner strength people don’t take it serious enough when you need them to. It’s painful and lonely and eventually gets to you.
I don’t sleep. When I saw my husband recently for the first time in a few years life wasn’t as difficult. Life had more hope and purpose. I feel like a failure to everyone most days but not so many when I’m in his arms. When he’s here I feel safe from others and from myself. When he’s with me I’m not as afraid. My brain just can’t accept things the way they are. It hurts too much.
I just want to walk away. Run away. I feel like my heart is bleeding out. The night comes and swallows any shred of hope I might have. There is no way out of this madness. It consumes me. In the mirror I see my eyes go greener and tears reflect from the light. I can’t hide from myself. I can’t hide from the panic in my mind when it overflows with thoughts. Thoughts of desire, being crushed by life, feeling the mistakes I’ve made in life over and over. I see it in my eyes, feel it in my chest and want nothing more than to silence myself. My thoughts streaming from childhood until now. Wondering if I was ever truly loved by anyone. Confused over abandonment and desertion. I’m alone. I recently realized that is not just a “maybe” I’m alone, it’s an I AM ALONE. It’s excusable by others for the choices I have made in life. My attempts are always fruitless because I’m different. Maybe I deserve to be let go. After all, I don’t see any worth left in me why should anyone else?
The secrets I hold in my mind, on my journal pages, and the walls of my room are enough to sink any ship. I’ve never had the one thing I want out of this world. I think I’m not going to. I’m not sure if I see reality too well or my mind has twisted everything. Life takes and takes from me. What’s going to happen when I run out of pieces to lose? Maybe I am out of pieces. Maybe life has sucked everything out of me but my breath. Honestly, I’m grabbing upwards hanging from the edge of a cliff and there’s nothing to grasp. The night will be back, it always is. The depression always returns. It’s never gone forever, at least while you’re breathing. It’s overpowering and suffocating. It’s a losing battle for me.
The new year is right around the corner and I’ve no hope today. I can’t think clearly or feel comfortable in any way. More than anything I just want to be rescued. I want that little girl’s dream of being cuddled and taken care of as a woman. I want someone to stand in front of me when a stranger is trying to hurt me. I want so much inside that I have spent my life trying to find all of it and getting hurt in the process. Why does loneliness exist? Why can’t I be comfortable with just myself? Why does everything feel like knives stabbing into me? Why does sleep and my mind torture me? Questions with no answers.
I’m tired, God knows that above all. My pain joins hands as if they’re teaming up to destroy me. I’m sure they realize they’re breaking me down. My brain’s switch is on self-sabotage. A never ending spiral of self-destruction. My mind is twisted and not a single rational thought is allowed to enter at the moment.
Is this all foreshadowing? Is this really how my life is going to be or will I die before 40? I’ve two years to learn; yes, learn. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I don’t want to feel my pain while I dream in sleep. For the first time I touched my face and felt tears but didn’t realize I was crying. My body knows it’s hurting, my brain knows it’s hurting and I want nothing more than to be able to stop thinking, feeling and dreaming. Only one viable solution when these things happen; yet one question- what do I do? There’s no getting away from the pain, memories and thoughts.
I’m tired. I’m hurting. Please stop doing this to me. Someone please save me.
Unending darkness. Where has all the light gone? God please put me out of this pain. 5 months have been thrown out of my window. I thought, rather hoped, that I’d regain my strength. Instead I find myself beat. I find myself slipping, falling, no one reaching for me, into the hole designed for a grave. Not enough medication to take this all away. Not enough words or support if they existed. God save.
Everyone’s unforgiving. Nobody’s listening. Medicate to sleep. Medicate to stop all the pain. Stress induced lack of eating. You’ve annihilated me, you’ve destroyed my heart and you’ve destroyed my hope. So easy to destroy a person.
She’s all gone; it’s all gone. Devotion goes until the abuse continues. So before complete destruction, trauma winning in collaboration, her brain screams- transforming to an outer verbal scream that seems endless. Hopeless and lost, she feels. There’s no recovery in the end; the people and the world just walk away. No one cares about anyone anymore. They cause trauma and walk away because they can move on. The survivor picks up the pieces and most times never recovers. You’ve damaged a human being. It’s killing her yet she continues to do what’s expected of her. Why? I can’t answer that.
Klonopin can be such a rescue in various ways. Yet also a solution in the toughest of tough times. When you are hopeless and have no one to go to. Yes. It’s time. To sleep.
Kaytee (aka) Komodolover