I’ve fallen in love with the most wonderful human being God ever created. Life with him has turned out to be everything I’ve always wanted and more. It took so long to find him but I’m so very glad I have. We met during the Spring, almost summer and I truly felt different in so many ways- but all good ways! When I struggled his home became my safe place. I could show up and just forget the world for a while. I still can simply forget the world every now and then when I’m with him. It really is more when I’m alone that the world creeps back into my head and causes me to feel overwhelming sadness and pain.
It’s that time of year again. Yes, it’s the holidays but it’s also the time a lot of awful things were done to me in life. It’s also the time I start to ache and miss loved ones that were taken away too soon. I miss my sister’s smile, joy and laughter. I miss my mom’s husband; his stoicism and his humor. He was a hero you know. A humble one. Not only did he serve his country but he once saved a baby from a fire and was given an honor for it. He told me one time that if I was struggling again and needed to talk that I could always go to him. He was always a quiet man but cared so much for my mom, my sister and me. He didn’t deserve a lot of the bad things including the cancer that made him so sick and caused much pain his last few years. Even though we didn’t sit and talk I always felt he loved us all. He especially loved my mom so much. For years he stayed in her life because he cared so much and one day he was finally able to show her. He worked hard and always came home to my mom. He was the ship that kept my mom afloat during any storm. He kept her moving through the tragedy of my sister’s death at 23. And now, now life is so very different for all of us still here.
I feel like the older I get the harder life is to handle. The people who are so important begin to move on to whatever is beyond this life and I begin to feel left behind and alone. All I have are the memories I made with them. -And that always reminds me just how very important each moment is with those I care about. Whether it’s a ride in the car to pick up groceries or laughing over a stupid video online. The smile, the sound of our laughter, the twinkle in their eye when they’re happy are all so very precious to me. When I look into Shawn’s eyes and see that spark it fills me up with so much warmth. When I see him give a big smile before he laughs it fills me with joy and he just gets more and more appealing and attractive. We never like being apart even if it’s for several hours. We simply adore one another’s company- even when no words are being said. I crave being in his arms all of the time and I feel inside that he feels the same way about me. Every positive emotion that I can possibly feel as a human I have felt from the first moments we were together. My life is far from perfect but he helps me forget about the bad things in this world. Some days it’s a serious struggle for him to, let alone anyone else, snap me out of the pain and depression in my head. Lately, intrusive thoughts have been barging their way into my head. I have nightmares, cry in my sleep, and I have moments where my depression tells me that dying is the answer to any pain. I’m always in a fight with my own mind and at least I have a compassionate and caring partner for life. If I need to talk he listens and sometimes listening is very scary to those who care about me.
He is the best friend I searched for. He is the man I searched for and I finally found him. It is an incredible, amazing experience just spending time in his presence and he has me, all of me. I love you so very much Shawn. I hope you can feel that all the time. You’re beautiful, handsome, and amazing from the inside out. I’ve been blessed.
Locked In My Head 