I question everything. I question it all. I could spiral almost into an existential crisis and I’d still wonder the same things that I’ve pushed from my mind so many times for all the years I’ve been alive. I think about memories of my past and feel so much of it all over again by simple thought. What part of us stops being barbaric, a neanderthal mammal and leads us to be the empathetic, compassionate human beings some of us are?

I heard something today that said, “we can change our dreams at any time and begin new ones when others have ended or have been completed.” And I’m not sure when I started believing that once dreams are done, the major dreams and events I needed to accomplish in life were completed and my job was over- my life had no more meaning. I’m also not certain why it took me 40 some years to realize things are never ever what they seem; how physics may determine facts but besides physics there are electrical impulses that can bend and twist what we know as reality and fact. There is so much more to us than meat, flesh and bone. I think about how we’re literally tiny atoms floating incredibly close together to make our physical presence yet we are pure energy. We’re so electric that we don’t even think about that fact. We just accept it.

I’ve had such a long time to make the right choices in life but it’s nearly impossible to never make a wrong one, because we’re not flawless beings. Is it due to evolution and keeping the human race going by not being perfect? Or is it because we are portions of the being/s we are created by- something so much bigger and greater than us? So much larger that we’d never be able to comprehend even the idea of said things.

For now I will obsess over the sky, especially the stars and many constellations. I’ll marvel at all of this including galaxies we can’t visit but those which are so much brighter. A final dream of mine would be to travel to the event horizon and cross it but my brain also desires an even bigger, bolder, destination or two and yet there are such tiny small realistic requests.

I’ve learned things from every failed relationship and failed friendship in my life but I don’t deserve full credit because sometimes it takes someone who knows you better than you know yourself to open your eyes. And to move forward. Because life is hard. Living is hard. And I’ll forever question everything. Including questioning others motives and decisions. One day I’ll receive the answers or I’ll die not knowing any answers. If there is nothing after death I’ll never know and maybe that would mean the answers are pointless as are the questions. Or the alternative being that after death we become truly free and are filled with the entire universe’s secrets revealed.

I could drown in knowledge and my death would stay meaningless to others but I’m hoping the secret is; that it’s not. I’m hoping that there really is an entirely separate world or realm where I’m filled with knowledge, there’s no more pain or sadness there, and I finally learn to play guitar. We need the secret to be that there’s more.