I’ll start here. For days I’ve been dealing with severe depression, maybe it’s been weeks, I don’t know. Days blur as well as nights and I forget where I am because the monster living in my brain eats away at me. I get fully invested in this redundant, narcissistic, psychological agony. This is all a terminal illness; one day I won’t be here. (We’re all dying anyway.)
I don’t like being selfish in my thought of my pain, in fact it’s the only time I am, and it’s what will kill me. My own brain has its invisible tumor. Naked to the eye and naked to an expert with machines. Life is frustrating and stressful sure, but with an invisible parasite eating away the cells, life ends up so much worse. It’s a worm weeding its way through causing damage on everything it touches.
If you looked into my eyes and watched, might you see my pain? That flicker of green with building tears? Past them into my soul? No matter the pain, no matter the anguish, it’s completely invisible. I’ve looked into yours; those blue, misty, loving eyes, and I saw your light. Oh how I want to be a part of that light! I want to be okay. I want to be looking into those eyes everyday when I wake. I want to hold onto you. I want you to save me- from myself. My biggest threat IS me. I trust no one in telling so much of my pain because God-forbid they DO help. How ironic to want to be saved yet not?
My depression lasts for hours, days and then weeks to where every second is unbearable. Weeks then turn into months and all I can think is- please stop! I’m not ready to go but it’s a battle of will. I’m going to die from this; I can promise that but what I can’t promise, is that I’ve no idea when the impulse will occur. I can’t fight this alone. It always happens on impulse when I’m ready to go through with dying.
Yes, I’ve thought of ways but only because I’ve dreamed them. I’m sure they were inside or I wouldn’t have pondered them so strongly. Sometimes at night I lie there almost having to tie myself up so I don’t say that’s it, nothing can stop this nightmare, this complex infinite mess. Will you answer should I call with my last words?
I already know what’s going to happen;
I’m going to drown and as I am drowning, I’m going to be looking into your compassionate, ocean blue eyes. There will be no way to save me and all the pain will be gone.
Locked In My Head 